A personal home protection theory you haven't heard

by Brian Thomas on Feb 5, 2007 5:36 PM CST

The scary neighbor diary got me to thinking. Specifically, T-Ball and myself debating the relative merits of man-mauling hyenas did. Props, T., you muse, you.

Essentially, my personal home protection theory that you haven't heard boils down to this: The Guard Gorilla.

Frankly, I've never understood why someone hasn't tried it before. If you can teach Koko 600 different words, why can't you train a reasonably reliable silverback to faithfully guard your property?

Ever see that show To Catch a Thief (not the Hitchcock one)? Without fail, all the dumbass dogs ever do is wag their tails and follow along curiously. Dumbasses. Man's best friend my bright white Irish ass.

Before you poo-poo all over my little gem, ask yourself this one salient question: If I was a burglar/jealous-jilted-ex-psycho-bat-wielding-homocidal-whackjob, upon discovery of said "Guard Gorilla" (trademarked), would I
a) Continue on w/ normal operations
b) 86 myself w/ extreme prejudice
c) Deuce my pants w/ extreme prejudice followed by step b

Think about it. Who is gonna fuck w/ a Guard Gorilla? Even bullets probably won't drop him.

Beware of the Dog? Sneered at. Beware of Guard Gorilla? There's no sneering going on. Sneer-free signage, I'm thinking.

Also, this answers the gun-control nutjobs who are always boring us w/ all those "40 times more likely to kill a loved one statistics." Blah blah yack yack. What are the chances your Guard Gorilla accidentally goes off and shoots Junior? Slim and none? I concur.

Plus, as I mentioned previously, the Guard Gorilla is SMART. He could take out the trash. You could show him pictures of your enemies and friends, then give him pop quizzes later. Your misleadingly named "guard dog" finds intruders on the lawn, they merely climb a tree. I think we all know what happens w/ a Guard Gorilla.

As a bonus, I thought of a few "advanced features" for the more experienced Guard Gorilla (TM) owners. Logically, I plan on outfitting my Guard Gorilla w/ a custom-tailored bulletproof vest and combat helmet. My Guard Gorilla will sneer at your silly little "firearm."

And, for the "piece de resistance," A 96 ounce, 73.5 inch aluminum baseball bat. I call it "The Sackshrinker." Either that or "The Braingolfer(tee em up)."

The B. Carter Thomas Academy and Stable of Worldwide Personal Home Protection/odd-jobbing Guard Gorillas LLC. Sounds good to me...

Poll at right.

Poll

Dogs

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Comments

You spent way too much time on this

and I'm holding out for the smaller, but just as effective, fanged rabbit from The Holy Grail.

by t ball on Feb 5, 2007 7:47 PM CST 0 recs

yeah

but what if the intruder has a holy hand grenade?

Pimps be damned, it's harder out here for a Rangers fan!

by rentz on Feb 5, 2007 7:56 PM CST up 0 recs

I hereby officially rescind props

Nops for ya...

"I love hard data." some dude whose name rhymes w/ Snarky

by Brian Thomas on Feb 5, 2007 8:26 PM CST up 0 recs

Heh, heh

I was in the mood to deflate a balloon...

and to rentz above, by the time they finish counting, my fanged bugs is all over 'em.

by t ball on Feb 5, 2007 8:52 PM CST up 0 recs

Signs front and back

"Caution: we tend two king cobras and one gaboon viper. They get nervous when penned up, so may be anywhere in this house."

En Espanol

"Muy Malo. Vaya con Dios"

by Ed Coffin on Feb 5, 2007 9:09 PM CST 0 recs

Escape from the Planet of the Apes

Hmmm, I think I've heard this plot before.
Apes replace dogs as pets. In addition to being "pets", they are trained and become slaves (taking out the trash). Eventually, humans kill themselves off in great numbers and the apes take over as the dominant species.

I had to look up the name of the movie, as it's one of the many sequels with generic type names: Escape from the Planet of the Apes.

by Oracle Galvez on Feb 6, 2007 9:51 AM CST 0 recs

More like Congo

Guardians of the temple.

by Ed Coffin on Feb 6, 2007 10:26 AM CST up 0 recs

Yeah

That's what gave me the idea.

I really think it could work. You might have to work out the kinks w/ a few generations, ferret out the owner-maulers and the malcontents and the like, but it'll work.

The only thing I haven't sorted out is the whole sexual frustration thing. I'm thinking sexual frustration is something you'd have to carefully manage. For instance, you wouldn't want your Guard Gorilla oversexed; he might turn slacker on you and be as worthless as a "guard" dog. Conversely, a highly sexually frustrated Guard Gorilla is probably not such a desirable situation, either.

Essentially, I envision some sort of gorilla escort service. Since the Guard Gorilla is smart, unlike a dumbass poo-eating dog, you could even tell him how he would be rewarded w/ a gorilla-hooker when he did a good job. And, obviously, you could punish him when he acted up: "That's IT, Fred, no gorilla-hookers for you this week."

It's a problem; I'll grant you, but a highly manageable one.

"I love hard data." some dude whose name rhymes w/ Snarky

by Brian Thomas on Feb 6, 2007 10:46 AM CST up 0 recs

Excellent questions

Sorry I could not get back to you sooner, but my boss keeps coming in and bothering me with "tasking."

No, the Gorilla would typically go outside to relieve himself, like the vastly inferior breed he'd replace. Although I must admit, teaching the Gorilla guard to use the bathroom would be relatively easy, but the realist in me says sharing a bathroom w/ a Gorilla might not be so practical. Since the Guard Gorilla is not going to be cheap to obtain, feed, and train, I am of the opinion that a separate gorilla-friendly bathroom would be cost-prohibitive.

This fact, of course, makes the Guard Gorilla a luxury only the wealthy can afford in dense urban areas like New York, at least until the legal wrinkles can be ironed out to allow gorilla-walking.

Table scraps: big no-no. Sets a problematic precedent. Who wants to deal w/ a panhandling Guard Gorilla?

Yes, the Gorilla could sit at the table w/ you, but I envision the gorilla spending alot of time in his "Gorilla House," a rudimentary gorilla-friendly shack/facility where he can take shelter from the weather and have relations w/ gorilla-hookers on a not too frequent basis.

"I love hard data." some dude whose name rhymes w/ Snarky

by Brian Thomas on Feb 6, 2007 12:12 PM CST up 0 recs

If you were really an "oracle"

You wouldn't have to look that up. So unless Galvez is espanol for "not," disingenuous choice of monikers.

One question for you Mr. Smarty: Did the Gorillas have bats?

"I love hard data." some dude whose name rhymes w/ Snarky

by Brian Thomas on Feb 6, 2007 10:52 AM CST up 0 recs

OG

Galvez would simply be the last name of the guy that discovered Galveston island (where I live). Oracle is the software product that I make my living by running (I'm an Oracle DBA / unix admin). I'm more of a unix guy, but unix-galvez doesn't sound as cool as oracle-galvez.

I'd have to watch the movie again to see if they used bats. It's kind of a prequel to the original (actually time travel was used in the plot, so I'm not sure if it'd qualify as a prequel). It's not worth watching a second time, so I'll never be able to answer the question about the "bats".

Your original post conjured up images of the apes from the original movie when you started in with the bullet-proof vests idea.

by Oracle Galvez on Feb 6, 2007 11:18 AM CST up 0 recs

Flat rocks

The size of cymbals. Limit training expense by utilizing the inbred adaptive traits. Only issue, you have to get your gorillas from the central Congo. Good luck with that, and PETA.

OTOH, if you can pull it off, you are wealthy. New career: guard gorilla broker.

by Ed Coffin on Feb 6, 2007 1:09 PM CST 0 recs

Yeah they had bats

and Knives too. Corneilus gets 'em all riled up and arms them once he realizes its the only way.

How you gonna keep the Gorilla out of the kitchen? And, most importantly, remember the joke about where he is gonna sleep? That may screw up the ole lovelife, or at a minimum, make your mate a wee bit nervous.

by Parman on Feb 6, 2007 1:13 PM CST 0 recs