That's tongue in cheek, abetted by spiked koolaid, written in the style embellished by Halos Heaven.  Now Rev can't write this, so let's say it's by ...uhh...Deacon.

Here we go.  The American League West in 2009 will feature three contenders, two on the rise, and one incumbent Division champion.  There is another team in the mix, but their strongest assets are a pair of bloggers, so write 'em off, and write 'em often.  The Angels of Los Angeles playing out of Anaheim in the U.S. of North America are the defenders.  They'd better build their walls high and heat up lots of kegs of creosote to dump on invaders, because the barbarians are at the gate.  One group, the Athletics of Oakland and Fremont, California, will travel up and down to coast wreaking havoc on otherwise innocent citizenry.  And they will win about as many games as they lose.  It's the other tribe, the Rangers out of Arlington, Texas, who should evoke fear and loathing (OK, the loathing is already going on) in the West.

The Rangers have had, and will continue to have, the most potent lineup in baseball.  At the top of their lineup will be Ian Kinsler, an American League AllStar, whose power numbers belie his leadoff assignment,  Kinsler should actually increase his isolated power stats in 2009, while near the best in the majors at stealing to caught stealing ratio.  Also up front is Micheal Young, a multiple AllStar who managed to land a Gold Glove while suffering some at the plate in 2008, from playing with a broken finger on each hand.  Back and healthy in 2009, Young will contend for a League batting championship and play a steady if limited shortstop.  Pundits around the league suggest Young is in decliine, but about all he'll decline in 2009 will be stolen bases and triples. These two table setters are followed by Josh Hamilton, a feel-good, be-good, is-good story for the decades.  See Bill James projection for this otherworldly talented outfielder who is a threat to go deep in any ballpark, and can make a bat sound different from any other player out there.  Also in  the outfield is Nelson Cruz, the late blooming blaster from the Dominican.  Cruz is another reason that officialdom in Arlington should close Ballpark Way and Randoll Mill Road during games, lest baseballs damage all sorts of unsuspecting vehicles going by.  And Cruz has a good enough arm that runners just don't try to advance on balls hit his direction. 

Then there is Chris "Crush" Davis, who has an emerging talent for hitting baseballs off the property.  And he isn't terrible as a contact hitter either, and can go deep the opposite direction with the best of them.  Coming back in 2009 is Hank Blalock, another lefty blaster, whose injuries limited his play over the past three seasons, but who returned with a  vengeance in the latter part of the 2008 season.  Hank has also been chosen an AL AllStar, complementing players in that category who fill the Rangers' lineup.  As if power were lacking, which of course it isn't, the Arlington squad also features Max Ramirez, who Bill James projects to produce a .900+ OPS. The rest of the outfield squad includes David Murphy, another lefty bat and decent defender, who can play all three positions.  Then there is Marlon Byrd, who after a slow start in 2008 just generally raked, and has sporadic power as well.  Add to this embarassment of riches one Brandon Boggs, a switch hitter with exceptional plate patience, and is another with what opponents consider a suicide arm, specializing in outs at the plate from left field. 

All of baseball is aware that the Rangers hold a surplus of catchers.  In order of service seniority, they have Jarrod Saltalamacchia, the aforementioned Max Ramirez, and the talented Taylor Teagarden.  They can all go deep.   Saltalamacchia is a high ceiling switch hitter with lots of promise.  And Teagarden is said to have the best receiving game skills of the bunch.   It's expected that one of those three will be in this year's trade mix.  In any case, therer is no lack of talent or depth at the position. 

The Rangers were major league worst in pitching ranking stats in 2008.  Don't count on that being the case going forward.  A new pitching coach, with flexible philosophy to match player attributes, is on board in Mike Maddux.  And team president Nolan Ryan is prescribing a mix of conditioning and game mindset to the team's hurlers.  The Rangers may add one or two arms to their 2009 roster, with a goal of improving the rotation and increasing the effectiveness of the bullpen.  Early workouts include a dozen pitchers, mainly starters, from within the system.  High profile minor leaguers who project top of the rotation ability are among them.

Among the returning starters is a fit and trim Kevin Millwood, who has been a league ERA leader and an AllStar in the past, and is dedicated and focused on more innings, more strikes, and less damage allowed in 2009, and has contractual incentives to do just that.  Also coming back, from the back country of Nicaragua, is Vicente Padilla.  Padilla also has an AllStar selection in his resume, and is going into a contract year.  More importantly, he is figuratively and literally "the enforcer", a tough minded, no nonsense serial killer of hitting streaks, when he is on.  He will be on in 2009, for the myriad reasons outlined.  The rest of the staff, and overall team success, lies in finding game competence and consistency from Matt Harrison, Brandon McCarthy, Eric Hurley, Dustin Nippert, or new arrivals to the staff. 

The bullpen had a rough road in 2008, mainly due to overwork and limited capability to withstand middle inning and second trip to the mound issues.  Getting more good innings from starters will alleviate this drawback, as will being in better condition in 2009 health wise than experienced in 2008.  Among the relievers who have shown shutdown capability are Frank Francisco, C.J. Wilson, Joaquin Benoit, and Warner Madrigal.  The Rangers may add a solid bullpen arm, to replace departed or ineffective relievers.  The club does not have a "name" closer, but both Francisco and Wilson seem able to end games, or to handle setup duty.  Madrigal has also evidenced shutdown capability, and will be in the mid to late innings mix.

One probable loss from the Rangers arsenal may be Milton Bradley, the DH and sometime outfielder who led the majors in OPS and OBP during parts of 2008.  Bradley's plate patience and strike zone judgment cannot be directly replaced, but the Arlington power and lumber company has sufficient pop and sizzle that if Bradley finds a new home in free agency, he will be personally missed by teammates, but the team's offensive output  shouldn't be badly affected. 

So, those in the American League west should take the following precautions.  Pregnant women should not attend Ranger games, their children might be born with seams around their head and birthmarks that look like Louisville Slugger logos.  People with slow reflexes should not sit in nor near the front rows of left and right field, since some batted balls will have frightening trajectory and velocity.  The fountains in the rock garden at Anaheim should be turned off and the spill pond drained when the Rangers visit, else long flies landing in that area could douse spectators in the left center field bleachers.  The trains Burlington Northern runs past the park in Seattle should be held on sidings during games, so shots from Hamilton or Davis don't cause derailment.  And most of all, fans in the California and Washington parks should practice being calm with the umpires, since there will be a lot more strikes called, fewer walks, and many runners thrown out in games against Texas.

The Rangers may not win the West in 2009.  But they are going to be fun, even exhilarating to watch.  They will also be the team nobody really wants to play when they produce bursts of runs.  The trend that showed up in 2008 and will continue for the forseeable future is that no lead will be safe, and no game is over until it is over.

- - yr ob't svt - - Deacon