OK, this is the quickest version I can tell….

A long time ago, I was into the sportscard/memorabilia thing. I wasn’t die hard/shady like some you may have met. I was a fan/collector and collected things of players I liked, but I usually had to pay to get an autograph, etc.

When Seattle was in town and playing the Rangers, there was a convention, and Randy Johnson was going to be there, so I paid for 2 autographs from him. My girlfriend was with me, and she always enjoyed going with me, but wanted her own collection, therefore, I had to buy 2 of everything…lol.

Anyway, we are in the long line for dickhead and I was watching where he would sign on the balls. You see, back then there were some players that refused to sign on the “sweet spot” of a baseball (Barry Bonds was known to refuse to do this), so I saw that he was doing that for the people ahead of me. I turned to my girlfriend and made the comment, “Cool, he is signing on the sweet spot.” That was all I said.

Editor’s note: Even if nobody would believe it, my ex was pretty friggin’ hot then.

So, I am first when we approach him, and hand him the baseball and said “Hi, Randy”. He asks me, “Where do you want it signed?” I said, “On the sweet spot, please.” He pauses, looks at me with a smirk, with pen and ball in hand, and begins to rotate the ball and signs it in the most hideous spot on the ball.

As he begins signing it, I said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” He said, “I heard you say that you wanted the autograph on the sweet spot back there, and the only people who ask for that are trying to re-sell it later.” I said, “No, it looks better when sitting in the case. I can’t believe you just did that.”

He ignores me and looks at my girl and says, “Would you like me to put it on your sweet spot?” (Yes, in a smarmy way) She says, in all her class and charm, “Whatever dude. Not a chance!” and turns and hands the ticket to someone behind us. I said something to the effect of, “Your lucky they have these security guys here”. At this point, he begins staring at me and I wasn’t a small guy in my own right. Someone else behind the table, who heard all of this asked me to leave if they reimbursed me for the cost of the ticket and the ball.

Holding the ball, I said, “No. it’s cool. Screw this dude. I’ll keep it and one day he’ll see it again.” Looking at him, I said, “I wish you were pitching in this series, then you could get it back real quick.” He just laughed me off.

I don’t blame him for laughing me off, and I know this story doesn’t make me sound very mature or tough, but I promise you, if he would have stood up, it would have been on. The ball thing was just him being a jerk, but the comment to my girlfriend was pretty out of line.

Yes, I still have the ball. Yes, she would always ask me if I wanted to go to the game whenever the Mariners were in town…..for the next 6 years….even when he didn’t play for them anymore. And, most importantly, no, she is not still hot!

To quote a wise man: “I guess he didn’t know my status!”