Well hello there! What a surprise. It's me again, ghostofErikThompson. You may remember me from such works as Ode to Gerry Laird or An Open Letter to Travis Metcalf. Possibly, however, you recall the time I tried to guide you and yours through the wonderful world of Lone Star Ball. These last nine months have been quite an adventure for LSB. We've learned and we've grown. We've had laughs and we've had our share of sorrows. And as such, and by popular demand, I've decided to update the guide for our illustrious community.

With the new season approaching and new members joining by the hour, I figure there's no time like the present to roll out a new and improved compendium of all of our quirks.

Join me.

Before we begin, as before, please comment to this manual with any of the things that I surely missed or if you noticed anything that needs to be added, please let me know. With luck, we'll have the new members up on their LSB etiquette faster than a Hank Blalock season ending strained vagina. And who wouldn't be in the in-crowd with us bunch of model-esque baseball geniuses? Also of note, if I didn't credit you worthy genius, let me know and I will be sure to make sure your work is recognized.

Firstly, let's talk about Status. I'm not talking about Status in the Miles way. I mean status in terms of our hierarchy here at Lone Star Ball. The following is the order in which we are important:

• God = Adam J. Morris (AKA Meno71, Meno, AJM)
  
• Jesus = Benjamin Morris (AKA Benmor78, Adam's Brother)
  
• The Holy Ghost = Sam Morris (AKA The forgotten and absent Morris Brother)
  
• Saint Peter = Zywica

• Following these heavenly rulers are members that followed Adam from when he was known as Meno71 at the ESPN boards, these users are known to themselves mostly as the ESPN Boardies.
• A small contingent of users made their way over from Adam's old Blogspot blog that he kept for a while before being swooped up by SB Nation. These are the LSB Nomads.
• Most of the community is made up of those that joined after finding the blog as it is now, these are the Core LSBers. These users include those that came over from the Newberg Report forum.
• Then there are the Noobs, welcome to The Show.
• There are the Lurkers, of course. POST MORE, INGRATES!
• Trolls.
• Satan.

• Seth, AKA steal home, save us, stevoo

You know where you fall in line.

Things to know at LSB:

Beast:

This is reserved for the most animalistic of great Rangers performances. Variations include Beastly and Beasticon.

Example: "Frank Francisco just came in with a runner on third and no one out and struck out the side. What a beast!" And while even Frank Catalanotto is capable of making a play that is beastly, only the rarest talents will ever make it to the status of Beasticon. As of this date, the only members of the Beasticon Club are Josh Hamilton and Chris Davis.

When the Rangers win, we say:

Ballgame! Hello Win Column! Or Yay!

The 40 Trumps All:

Wish the Rangers would bring up a sparkling prospect lighting up AAA because you are tried of David Murphy clogging up left field and LAMuscleFag's sweet dreams? Well, tough, your minor league hero is not on the 40 man roster and the 40 Trumps All! Think we should DFA a John Bannister because he walked in the tying run in the 8th? Too bad. The 40 Trumps All! Just ask thedirkatron.

VERY Superstitious:

The Rangers will always lose if Adam or Z do not start the Game Day Thread with a customary "Go Rangers!" Also, the second Game Day Thread of any one game is traditionally bad luck. Pray we go one or three deep but never two. If it is a tight game and we are still in thread two, it's over and it's YOUR fault.

The Penalty Box:

BREAKING NEWS! You just posted a new FanPost for an article about Brandon McCarthy's arm falling off after a catastrophic pillow fight injury ten minutes after Rodney did, guess what? PENALTY BOX. Chris Young just hurled a perfect game in which Adrian Gonzalez hit the game winning grand slam in the bottom of the ninth while John Danks throws 21Ks in game two of the double header and you rush to LSB to bitch about it in a FanPost. PENALTY BOX. You're Miles. PENALTY BOX! The governing posters of LSB are more ruthless than most wizened NHL line judge. So, be careful when you are crafting up your retrospect on whether that Josh Hamilton trade was really justifiable. with your finger itching on the Publish button. You might just get a 4 minute major for high TREASON.

Did you know that Kris Benson's wife is considered attractive?

By LSB creed, if Kris Benson is mentioned, you must A) mention his wife, B) post a picture of his wife in the most uncouth pose that you can find, C) mention how she said she'd screw her husband's entire team if she found out that her husband had cheated on her. So what if the commenter ahead of you already did this, get in the game! There's classless topless photos to post!

+1, "this" "that" "the other" "concur":

No. Stop doing that. If you have decided that a comment is worthy of adoration but you don't have anything of substance to add to it, please just give it a rec. THAT'S WHY THERE IS A RECOMMENDED SYSTEM, GUYS!

Adam and The Eccentric Features:

Be it his random Birthday wishes to obscure baseball players or his quickly dismissed "What Does This Guy Look Like?" feature, Adam painstakingly tries to keep us entertained. Sure we often threadjack these entries with gifs of ladies in various states of undress, and certainly we haven't had a more polarizing subject than Mr. Show skits during the Friday Afternoon Video since Sammy Sosa was taking playing time from Jason Botts. Adam's Top 50 Rangers of all time is going to include cmkelly29's newly born child by the time he is through with it. (A sneak peak at #1: Gerry Laird.) Keep in mind, however, these distractions are posted with love.

Prepare yourself for battle and come forth not lightly shall you choose to participate in the Game Day Thread:

It takes a certain breed of LSBer to survive the Game Day Thread. [WTF CAT HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SWING AT THAT?! DFA HIS ASS!] Look, it's no secret, we all love the Texas Rangers. We live or die by every pitch. Every game is a must win. [WASH IS BRINGING IN MENDOZA. FUCK YOU WASH! GAME OVER.] Imagine that fire, that passion, that you display at home or at the game, now imagine it with the anonymity of the Internet. [THROW A FUCKING STRIKE!!!] It is fast and it is not for the faint of heart...and [OMG!!!!!OMG! MOTHERFUCKING HAMBONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!1 NO WAY! BALLGAME!!!!!!!!!]

The Reply button is your friend

To those that are new, please remember, the Reply button is your friend. If you follow this, chances are, we won't even notice that this is your third comment ever. Well, unless it is about a Cat for Halladay trade proposal. If you don't follow this, there will be images posted with the intent to shame you and oc would like to have a word.

A Bag of Jalapeno CornNuts:

You might say, if you are Adam, that John Daniels got Max Ramirez from the Cleveland Indians for Kenny Lofton and A Bag of Jalapeno CornNuts

Douchebag Gate:

LSB used to be privileged enough to house one of the Rangers themselves, CJ Wilson. Ceej would grace us with his presence on matters such as sweet cars he dug or why WHIP was truly the only stat that matters. He posted under the handle blueglovelefty and was clearly a board favorite. The blogging world was at his fingertips until that fateful day when CJ posted about how he felt baseball players were douchebags, generally. This got leaked to the Dallas Morning News and the next thing we knew Michael Young and a few other teammates had a "talking to" with Wilson about it, Wilson ended up having his account and posts deleted. Some feel Evan Grant is to blame for running the story, others feel CJ was to blame for breaking the unwritten code of never insinuating the blatant doucheyness of professional athletes. We still miss BGL and the time he took out for us fans. Never Forget.

Beware of Small Sample Sizes:

Brandon Boggs was hitting like .600 his first week and a half in the big leagues. He even had his mom booing at umps for calling her baby boy out. The nerve! This is Brandon Freakin' Boggs! And then, he went one for his next 30 something ABs. And suddenly, his mom was booing him. (Probably. I would have been.) You know why? Because Beware of Small Sample Sizes, that's why.

The Mailbag Impulse:

It is customary, when TR Sullivan is preparing for a mailbag entry, to wonder out loud:

"We should go back to the red uniforms! We won with those!"
"When is Justin Thompson going to be ready?"
"Is Jeff Zimmerman still throwing from 60 feet or is he on the mound yet?"
"Could we get Felix Hernandez for Travis Metcalf? The Mariners need hitting and we need pitching. I think it works out for both teams!"
Why would you trade pitching for hitting even if the guy is leading the league in EVERYTHING?!"

Don't worry about these impulses, they're normal. Just don't talk about them with anyone else.

Oppo Taco:

Okay, we didn't make this one up. But we should use it. Because Josh Hamilton just hit one in the first Spring game of the year and I'd bet found money that he'll hit many more of them throughout the season. To win games. An Oppo Taco, besides being delicious, is going the other way and planting it in the seats.

Double Play Dinosaur:

So, you’ve got a runner on first, less than two outs, and a lead that is vanishing faster than Chris Brown's career, what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO? Herald the call for the Double Play Dinosaur, of course. This dino is something even Carl Everett can believe in.

Results? Instant Double Play.

Rally Turtle:

Deep in the hearts of the Texas Rangers Ball Blub resides an Aesop's Fable-esque desire to win the race, not lead in laps. Down one run, two, SEVEN? Fear not. We've got Turtle Power on our side.

Nicknames:

Joaquin Benoit - "Jack Benny" "Benny"

Scott Feldman - "Feldman...From Across The Hall" "The Swan" "Scooter"

Frank Francisco - "Frankie" "Frank Frank" "Frankie Frank" "F2" "FX2"

Kason Gabbard - "Gabby" "Gabbo"

Vincente Padilla - "Padilla Flotilla" "Padzilla"

Kevin Millwood - "Milly"

Brandon McCarthy - "BlackGloveRighty" "B-Mac"

AJ Murray - "The Pirate"

Dustin Nippert - "Dusty Tits"

Eddie Guardado - "Easy Eddie" "Every Day Eddie"

Pedro Strop - "The Audacity of"

Matt Harrison - "Member of the 4H Club" "Bucky O’Harrison"

Eric Hurley - "Member of the 4H Club" "High Definition"

Tommy Hunter - "Member of the 4H Club"

Derek Holland - "Member of the 4H Club" "Dutch" "Der-Hol"

Thomas Diamond - "Tommy" "Gemstone"

Sidney Ponson - "Sir" "Ponsoon"

Josh Rupe - "Rupealoop"

Neftali Feliz - "Neftali Perez" "King Feliz" "Happy" "Happy Happy"

C.J. Wilson - "BlueGloveLefty" "Ceej"

Jamey Wright - "The Electrician"

Gerald Laird - "One Man, Five Tools" "OMFT" "Superstar"

Jarrod Saltalamacchia - "Salty" "Johnny Douchebag" "Saltalphabet" "Mach 5" "Salts McGee"

Nelson Cruz - "Nellie" "Cruz Missile"

German Duran - "Rio"

Chris Davis - "Crush Davis" "Crush" "CD" "Beasticon"

Hank Blalock - "The Hammer" "Hank The Bank"

Ian Kinsler - "Kins"

Chris Shelton - "Ginger" "Fire Crotch" "Naked Mole Rat"

Michael Young - "Face Of The Franchise" "FOTF" "The Face"

Ramon Vasquez - "The Stache"

Taylor Teagarden - "Tea"

Brandon Boggs - "BB" "Wade's Son"

Milton Bradley - "Board Game" "Yahtzee!" "Connect Four" "Uncle Milty"

Frank Catalanotto - "Frankie" "Frankie The Cat" "The Cat"

Marlon Byrd - "Byrd man" "The Byrd Man of Arlington"

Josh Hamilton - "Roy Hobbs" "The Natural" "Hammy" "Hambone" "Beasticon"

David Murphy - "Murphy" "The Murphinator" "Doublely Doo Right" "Baby Rusty"

Blake Beavan - "Captain Wonderful" "C-Wun"

Max Ramirez - "MaxRam" "Maximillion" "Mad Max" "Max Power"

Greg Golson - "The Tool Shed"

Joaquin Arias - "The Human Rorschach Test"

Justin Smoak - "Smoak Monster" "Smoak on the Water"

Fabio Castillo - "Blow Rider"

Rod Barajas - "Popup"

Mark DeRosa - "Dumpmaster D"

Brad Wilkerson - "Whiffy" "Whifferson"

Mark Teixeria - "Tex"

Tom Grieve - "TAG"

Buck Showalter - "Buckles"

John Hart - "The Empty Golf Shirt" "EGS"

Tim MacMahon - "Poochie"

Kevin Mench - "Shrek"

Trolls and You: Is It Normal to Feel Rage "Down There?"

Yes, let's talk about our trolls for a moment. As any other collection of online minds, trolls, we have 'em. They range from invaders from rival teams to get in generic digs about the state of our pitching to the more pesky, overly obnoxious board regular that everyone loves to hate. That said, along with some hilarious people, we also have some pretty strong trolls. They deftly rouse up the masses with their unrelenting shtick and multiple sock puppet usernames. So, if you're here to troll, get in line. I refer you to the following guide if you're registering to troll:

The Agreen07 Troll Theory states that in order to successfully become an LSB troll, one must satisfy ALL of the following conditions.

1. Establish yourself as a legitimate commenter by posting a minimum of ten (10) insightful and/or interesting comments related to the Rangers.
2. Develop at least one shtick (examples include religion, firing the general manager, hatred of all things LSB, injection of politics into non-politics threads, one-word responses, etc.)
3. Maintain an 5/1 ratio of shtick to non-shtick comments.
4. Be a jerk to anyone who disagrees with you, and remain staunchly unshakable from your beliefs, regardless of logical responses presented to you.

If you can follow these rules set forth, then yes, you can be a successful troll here at LSB. However, just know, we will run circles around your circular logic.

Getting to know us:

Ed Coffin is our elder statesman. Every one of his posts are better than the sum of your posts. If we had an ambassador, he would be it. It is rumored he adopted Oliver Perez and helped turn his career around with the Mets just by giving him sagely advice.

Nelson Cruz just broke the in clubhouse record for most sunflower seeds in one mouth at a single time. And you know how you know about this? Because Kinslerhomer was there with a link 15 minutes before it even happened. I'm pretty sure he isn't real and is instead a web-crawling Rangers News Bot.

DSheppard is a wizard. No, not Ozzie Smith or Merlin, he's a wizard with Photoshop. From the Cruz Missile to his marvelous custom Rangers commercials to the H-Bomb, it is a wonder that he doesn't already have a gig along side Chuck Morgan making the Rangers design the most hilarious in the business.
Evidence:

Do not feed the Sharky.

HurlerHurley is an alcoholic. Don't encourage his behavior.

Miles is perpetually 16 years old. He is like LSB's resident younger brother. Make sure to tussle his hair a bit and tell him how much Rudy Yan sucked. However, keep in mind always Miles' status.

lonestarJon is baseball Jesus. Deal with it.

Zywica knows everything about every player in every league that has ever played. Ever. Even if they are 9. ESPECIALLY if they are 9. And luckily for us, Shroomer has the video clips and pictures to back him up.

If Chris Davis isn't in the lineup it isn't because Ron Washington decided he needed a day off, it's because baseballismyboyfriend has finally enacted her plan to kidnap CD and make her new screen name: chrisdavisismyboyfriend.

t ball is secretly a stand-up comedian. I know this because he tries out his material on each and every one of his comments. Sure, he'll throw in a well reasoned baseball comment, too, but, if you take the first letter for each sentence, it spells a dick joke. I'm on to you t ball...or should I say, stand-up comedian Tim Ball?

DJCahill is the blog's token curmudgeon, that is, unless Chris Martin is around this month. However, Chris Martin is easily subdued by referring to him as "Coldplay." Cahill, however, only likes two things: Steroid use and Sammy Sosa. Which, I guess, is mostly just one thing.

Josey "The Outlaw" Wales is the resident front office and board contrarian. If you see him write something like: "This year is going to be another Rancid Pile, but if Boy Blunder can get some decent guys in The Show, we might pull off 65 games this season." This isn't because he is crazy, no, it's just because he is a man that finds little faith in a General Manager he doesn't see fit to even serve him his morning donut.

Somewhere, oc is not amused.

But at least he'd never kick a baby in the face over the level of excitement his baseball pants are currently displaying like Mr. Thed Irk Atron.

And now a word from Longhorn. Longhorn, take it away. Longhorn: "weak." Thanks, Longhorn. Always a man of brevity.

If you see Ben and brettgardner engaged in a "battle of wits". DON'T RUN. Slowly place your arms above your head and take slow paces backwards until they are out of your sight. THEN, turn around on your heels and run as fast as you can. Don't look back, RUN YOU FOOL!

The official image of Lone Star Ball: