Blog Commenter Bestiary

The Skimmer – The commenter, usually sour, who reads only a headline or sentence of a piece, draws exactly the wrong conclusion, and then embarks on an embarrassing rant.

Okay, so that’s Josey…

The Martian – Finally, these are the commentators whose combination of pretzel logic, conspiratorial tone, and downright weirdness – "Well, we all know the Pope is behind that big lake of fire at the South Pole, don’t we?" – reminds you that the world is an even scarier place than we imagine, and makes you wonder if this writing for the Internet gig is such a good idea after all.

…that’s Clueless…

The Dismisser — The ultimate arrogant commenter, this person never actually engages with the topic, but merely declares it beneath anyone’s interest, already resolved, or improperly stated – and thus hardly worth the bother. The Dismisser’s only real message is: I’m smarter than you and you need to acknowledge that fact.

…OC, when you catch him on a bad day…

The Droll – The mainstay of all fun sites, this poster regularly tosses out clever comments, plays of words, one-liners, amusing pictures. There’s a lot of these characters on places like Fark.com

…OC, when you catch him on a good day, and t-ball just about every day…

The Tough Guy – Remember the kid who talked tough, then ran off when confronted? The Internet is filled with these clowns, all secure in the knowledge that they will never be called to account.

…Miles…

The Angry Man – We all know this guy. His solution for almost any problem in the world is the summary execution, in as grisly a manner as possible, of every possible perpetrator.

Firebat?

The Troll — Everyone knows this guy (and it’s usually a guy), who intentionally visits sites in order to stir things up, provoke a furious reaction from other posters, then disappear. Classic examples are the Free Republic types who visit Daily Kos and vice versa.

…and Steal Home/stevoo/whatever he calls himself these days.

Only question is… what does that make me?

The Martian – Finally, these are the commentators whose combination of pretzel logic, conspiratorial tone, and downright weirdness – "Well, we all know the Pope is behind that big lake of fire at the South Pole, don’t we?" – reminds you that the world is an even scarier place than we imagine, and makes you wonder if this writing for the Internet gig is such a good idea after all.

The Alien – This is a poster from another country who has no context for what every commenter is talking about, and so asserts his or her own cultural solution: "Why this complain about wife? Sell gotes and buy more wifes!"

The Mystery Genius? I think so.

Though, there needs to be one for the posters who type will many exclamation points and talk in constant hyperbole!!!! Thedirkatron might fit into such a category, I picture him pounding his poor computer keyboard into thousands of pieces every time someone disses Lemon or Clint Eastwood makes a movie.

The Slut – The best thing about slut commenters ("What’s wrong with having sex with your best friend’s dad?") is that they don’t know they’re sluts . . .until 800 other posters happily point it out to them.

We need more of these :D

The Perv – These guys show up a lot on celebrity sites, announcing some really disgusting thing they’d like to do that famous figure . . .and of course will never get the chance to, thanks to stalker laws, restraining orders, and the fact they have no driver’s license. It’s a toss-up in my mind whether the Web is a good outlet for these guys, or the platform they’ve always dreamed of.

Bwahaha…

Just kidding….I think?

for the Droll title…