Dear FRANK Francisco,

Dear Mr. Frank Francisco,

We all saw what happened tonight. We all know it was ugly. We hate the Angels, and I hate Juan Rivera even more. Therefore, it shouldn't surprise you that some of us were very angry with you immediately after you surrendered that 3-run shot to the devil himself. But don't worry, I and most of my fellow Rangers fans can easily forgive you for this trespass for a couple of reasons. First, because we won. Secondly, because even if we had not won we recognize all that you have done for us the first half of this season. And we recognize the fact that you can not be bullpen Jesus with that sub 1 ERA all season long. We knew somebody was going to score multiple runs off of you at some point, we just didn't know when. But now we know, and it happened in the best way possible, during an eventual walk-off win against the hated Angels - an event greater than the thrill of orgasm to some on this board, or which brings about more orgasms for those many LSBers who revel in their promiscuity.


So as you can see, FRANKIE, my hefty son, I did not come here and write this letter-from-the-heart to tease you or mock you after your little mishap against the hated Angels, I came here for something much more important. I have come here today to make a plea. A plea which I would probably guess is shared by a few of my fellow Rangers fans. A plea which could ultimately end up helping my ears, improving my Rangers Ballpark experience, and which could make your entrance onto the field during the World Series look a whole lot more bada$$. 

I'm here to write about that strange sequence of beeps and other strange flowing noises which begins each and every time you exit the bullpen and make your way to that sacred mound at The Temple. I don't get it. I don't think many other people do, either. It sounds weird, not that there is anything wrong with that, but it just does not get the job done. In a nutshell, it's weird and the casual fan does not even realize that a big moment for a real baseball fan is occurring at that moment. They don't even know that the closer (the dominating closer, at that ;) is making his way to the mound and warming up .

Now, the more cultured and sophisticated among us may convince themselves that it "sounds good in its own special way" or that it is "unique, therefore it works." Some baseball authoritarians here may say "grrr you can do whatever you want to get yourself motivated, grr the game is all that matters grr grr grr". Valid points all, I mean hey if you get motivated by a series of beeps and honks (heh) that's very weird and it would then be interesting to probe around the thoughts in your brain, but great. Still, I say screw all those people and listen to me and those who agree with me.

Change your closer song, FRANK Francisco. Good gosh, change your warm-up music.

Now I respect whatever caused you to decide to make that your warm-up music. But rest assured, it simply does not suffice as closer material to many. You may be selfish and say that you don't care what we think, and that's ultimately fine as long as you help us win ballgames - but this would just be a nice gesture - to our ears and to our adrenaline levels at the end of ballgames at The Temple.

FRANKIE, listen to me, I would not write a similar letter to any other closer with different (bad) taste in music. Why? Because I love you. That and the fact that I know what you should change your warm-up music to, and no other closer in MLB could pull it off, except you, FRANKIE.

I don't know if you listen to much music, FRANKIE, much less American music, much less hip-hop/rap music, much less DFW hip-hop/rap music. But there is a song that I hear all the time on the radio, and at the clubs these days. It is a VERY popular song right now in many circles, and I believe it could really help you to...

A. be more intimidating coming out of the bullpen (not that you need that, with your low ERA and your strong arms)

B. give you a better identity with casual fans

C. get the fans really riled up at the ballpark.

Here is the song, it is "Franky" by Paper Chaserz: 

Every time I hear this song, it pains me that it is not played as your closer music. Because it works just for you because of your name. That and it is very popular right now, along with this style of "music".

Allow me to go ahead and address the critics. They will start criticizing the fact that this sounds like poo-poo to them(no, not Tom Grieve). They are saying this because they are white. I am white too, but I have an open mind and can recognize the fact that this music sounds good to many people, even to myself. Some white Rangers fans, which is all there is at The Temple, may at first be like "hmm... this is interesting". But with this particular song, that is a good thing. They will hear your name in the tune and make the connection and then start thinking the whole situation is cool and bam... YOUR A STAR, and we will have Frankie Francisco videos playing to this song all over YouTube.

Some other critics may say that this song has sexual connotations. I can neither confirm nor deny, considering that I simply think that this song sounds good. I don't investigate the meaning of lyrics. But let me let you in on a little secret - the white, suburban, average Rangers fans like me wouldn't know one way or the other, either, so it doesn't matter.

I love you, FRANKIE Francisco. I LOVE THE RANGERS!!! I am looking forward to seeing you come out of the bullpen to clinch the division, or to send us to the ALCS, or to the World Series. Or to win the World Series. I want those moments to be great and as memorable and fun as possible. I think changing your warm-up music would help almost every Rangers fan's future memories of the playoffs.



P.S. Chuck Morgan and the powers that be, I know that y'all are reading this, it would be cool if y'all could pull some strings.

P.S.S. Only the first 2 minutes would play. Within those two minutes, there is no clearly explicit material as there is later on.

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