Chris' struggles are over and Hank is done (this isnt a long statistical analysis with a bunch of graphs)

 Chris Davis is actually a vampire, now, his vampiricism is more like the vampiricism out of Twilight, he doesnt get burned up in daylight, but instead, he's only slightly affected by it. Digging deeper into it, I discovered that he actually accidently drank the blood of Kiefer Sutherland prior to this season.

via towerweb.net

So, while not being a full vampire, he definitely felt the symptons earlier this year. I dug further into to it to see what in particular was causing his struggles. His performance on the road, where no one ever invited him, was just a paltry 223/.283/441. At home, where the brilliant Texas sun apparently had an extra affect on him and the female fans under 18 constantly grabbing his nuts distracted him, was noticeably terrible... .193/.243/.393. Now, what i found even more interesting is that his performance against pitchers who wore crosses (aka Left-Handed Pitchers) was extremely poor, .141/.202/.282... Yikes, it definitely seems like the crosses where doing their number on poor CD. All of those factors and the constant desire to suck all of the blood out of the young, sexy latino playing SS was really getting to CD. He needed some help, so Jon Daniels sent him to Oklahoma City where the Vampire Academy is located and where JD felt like Chris could get some real solid advice on how to deal with this.

When he arrived, he was immediately greeted by this really hot bad-ass chick who happened to also be a half-vampire.

via www.leninimports.com

Together they decided the best plan of action was just to go ahead and kill Kiefer and get rid of Chris' vampiricism in doing so. So, they went and found Kiefer's ass on the set of 24 and Kate, being the bad ass that she is, took her sword and sliced his head diagonally in half... From what i gather, the fight went something like this, but with Chris being the crazy half werewolf (he'd been bitten by MY who happens to be a werewolf) half Vampire and Kiefer being the bad dude:

(via ChaosSonic)

So, CD not only got layed by Kate, but also got freed from being a vampire (he's still a werewolf though, but he can control that). And as you can see by his performance in OKC the following days, he's gotten over it in fairly short order. My hope is that Chris can return to his 2008 form after overcoming this. I think there is good reason to believe that Chris is back and not even the cross wielding LHP are gonna own him.

Now, Hank Blalock is an entirely different matter

Poor Hank, what happened to you?

Well, we must start at the begining. Once upon a time, there was a young guy named Hank who was very good at hitting a baseball. He hit the baseball hard and was considered the best young hitter in baseball. However, over time, something started to get to Hank. He kept getting hurt, with injuries no one had even heard of. He could no longer even play 3B anymore and he started to lose his mind and his ability to recognize what a strike zone was or where Left Field was. Everything started becoming slower. What had happened to Hank can only be explained by this: He was bitten by a zombie. Not just by any zombie, but the zombie of Rudy Jarimillo. You see, in 2008 when it was said that Rudy was having 'surgery' he actually was going on a killing/eating spree... here is a picture of Rudy captured just before the photographer's other hand was eaten (he's the one with the hat):

via www.ghosthousepictures.com

I think you can see the similarities:

via 4.bp.blogspot.com

Poor Hank didnt even see it coming. Rudy ran him down after pulling another ball to 2nd base in BP and jumped on him, Hank was saved by teammate Mike Young who had seen this happen before but unlike with Mark Teixiera, Mike was unable to pull Rudy off Hank before Rudy bit Hank. Its been a gradual process, but Hank has been slowly turning into a zombie ever since. Unfortunately, Hank is a slow zombie and is absolutely incabable of doing the things that the zombies from left 4 dead can do:

via www.worstpreviews.com

Unfortunately for us Ranger Fans, Hank's zombieness has been haunting us all year, a .238/.274/.473 line is no good for any type of living dead creature. I just hope Jon Daniels has the good sense to take a chainsaw to Hank's head sooner rather than later. Maybe, he'll do the same to Rudy before he gets a hold of another young hitter and leaves him as a useless slow zombie. I fear that this has already happened to a couple of our players like Ian Kinsler who has recently been only able to see Left Field and incapable of hitting the ball on the ground, a common problem with players turning into zombies. Jarrod Saltalamacchia has also been suffering similar symptons to those poor Hank exhibited before his doom finally caught up to him this year. My hope is that Salty and Ian are left as fast zombies and are able to at the very least wreck havoc upon the Angels clubhouse before they are taken down by this dude:

via pix.motivatedphotos.com

While it seems implausible, I know, Fast zombies do exist, just play Nazie Zombies on call of duty 5 and get to level 35... after doing that, try  telling me that fast zombies dont exist.

I have heard rumors of other teams having Vampires, ones who have their vampiricisim under control, on their squads, but i think JD's got it covered, he made sure to get us some vampire slayers, Super Bad Ass Left Handed Pitchers (SBALHP):

via theghostofmoonlightgraham.files.wordpress.com

via insidecorner.dmagazine.com

 Several other likely Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, etc. in the league:

Daywalker is what i call him.

Definitely a zombie

A troll had sex with a zombie

Vampire/Werewolf cross, the ultimate vampire slayer

Full-blood Liken, brother of the massive black dude in the first Underworld movie.

Ortiz used to rule the late innings of the game as a vampire, but after blowing his cap, Ortiz has joined the ranks of Zombienation.