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Around SBN: Kentucky Wildcats 66, Alabama Crimson Tide, 55: Postmortem

Chris' struggles are over and Hank is done (this isnt a long statistical analysis with a bunch of graphs)



 Chris Davis is actually a vampire, now, his vampiricism is more like the vampiricism out of Twilight, he doesnt get burned up in daylight, but instead, he's only slightly affected by it. Digging deeper into it, I discovered that he actually accidently drank the blood of Kiefer Sutherland prior to this season.

Lostboys_kiefersutherland2_medium

via towerweb.net

 

So, while not being a full vampire, he definitely felt the symptons earlier this year. I dug further into to it to see what in particular was causing his struggles. His performance on the road, where no one ever invited him, was just a paltry 223/.283/441. At home, where the brilliant Texas sun apparently had an extra affect on him and the female fans under 18 constantly grabbing his nuts distracted him, was noticeably terrible... .193/.243/.393. Now, what i found even more interesting is that his performance against pitchers who wore crosses (aka Left-Handed Pitchers) was extremely poor, .141/.202/.282... Yikes, it definitely seems like the crosses where doing their number on poor CD. All of those factors and the constant desire to suck all of the blood out of the young, sexy latino playing SS was really getting to CD. He needed some help, so Jon Daniels sent him to Oklahoma City where the Vampire Academy is located and where JD felt like Chris could get some real solid advice on how to deal with this.

When he arrived, he was immediately greeted by this really hot bad-ass chick who happened to also be a half-vampire.

Kate_beckinsale_gallery_main_a_medium

 

via www.leninimports.com

 

 

Together they decided the best plan of action was just to go ahead and kill Kiefer and get rid of Chris' vampiricism in doing so. So, they went and found Kiefer's ass on the set of 24 and Kate, being the bad ass that she is, took her sword and sliced his head diagonally in half... From what i gather, the fight went something like this, but with Chris being the crazy half werewolf (he'd been bitten by MY who happens to be a werewolf) half Vampire and Kiefer being the bad dude:

(via ChaosSonic)

So, CD not only got layed by Kate, but also got freed from being a vampire (he's still a werewolf though, but he can control that). And as you can see by his performance in OKC the following days, he's gotten over it in fairly short order. My hope is that Chris can return to his 2008 form after overcoming this. I think there is good reason to believe that Chris is back and not even the cross wielding LHP are gonna own him.

Now, Hank Blalock is an entirely different matter

Star-divide

Poor Hank, what happened to you?

Well, we must start at the begining. Once upon a time, there was a young guy named Hank who was very good at hitting a baseball. He hit the baseball hard and was considered the best young hitter in baseball. However, over time, something started to get to Hank. He kept getting hurt, with injuries no one had even heard of. He could no longer even play 3B anymore and he started to lose his mind and his ability to recognize what a strike zone was or where Left Field was. Everything started becoming slower. What had happened to Hank can only be explained by this: He was bitten by a zombie. Not just by any zombie, but the zombie of Rudy Jarimillo. You see, in 2008 when it was said that Rudy was having 'surgery' he actually was going on a killing/eating spree... here is a picture of Rudy captured just before the photographer's other hand was eaten (he's the one with the hat):

Zombies-eating_medium

via www.ghosthousepictures.com

I think you can see the similarities:

Rudy_jaramillo_medium

via 4.bp.blogspot.com

 

Poor Hank didnt even see it coming. Rudy ran him down after pulling another ball to 2nd base in BP and jumped on him, Hank was saved by teammate Mike Young who had seen this happen before but unlike with Mark Teixiera, Mike was unable to pull Rudy off Hank before Rudy bit Hank. Its been a gradual process, but Hank has been slowly turning into a zombie ever since. Unfortunately, Hank is a slow zombie and is absolutely incabable of doing the things that the zombies from left 4 dead can do:

 

28weekslater_medium

via www.worstpreviews.com

 

 

Unfortunately for us Ranger Fans, Hank's zombieness has been haunting us all year, a .238/.274/.473 line is no good for any type of living dead creature. I just hope Jon Daniels has the good sense to take a chainsaw to Hank's head sooner rather than later. Maybe, he'll do the same to Rudy before he gets a hold of another young hitter and leaves him as a useless slow zombie. I fear that this has already happened to a couple of our players like Ian Kinsler who has recently been only able to see Left Field and incapable of hitting the ball on the ground, a common problem with players turning into zombies. Jarrod Saltalamacchia has also been suffering similar symptons to those poor Hank exhibited before his doom finally caught up to him this year. My hope is that Salty and Ian are left as fast zombies and are able to at the very least wreck havoc upon the Angels clubhouse before they are taken down by this dude:

633666228647673689-flyingchucknorris_medium

via pix.motivatedphotos.com

 

While it seems implausible, I know, Fast zombies do exist, just play Nazie Zombies on call of duty 5 and get to level 35... after doing that, try  telling me that fast zombies dont exist.

 

I have heard rumors of other teams having Vampires, ones who have their vampiricisim under control, on their squads, but i think JD's got it covered, he made sure to get us some vampire slayers, Super Bad Ass Left Handed Pitchers (SBALHP):

  Derek-holland_medium

via theghostofmoonlightgraham.files.wordpress.com


and the next Van Helsing:

Martin_perez11-267x300_medium

via insidecorner.dmagazine.com

 Several other likely Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, etc. in the league:

 W3wkarwi_medium

Daywalker is what i call him.

 Jeff_francoeur_medium

Definitely a zombie

 

 Angels_lackey_medium

A troll had sex with a zombie

 

 Rj_medium

Vampire/Werewolf cross, the ultimate vampire slayer

 300px-kyle_blanks_medium

Full-blood Liken, brother of the massive black dude in the first Underworld movie.

 David_ortiz_2_medium

Ortiz used to rule the late innings of the game as a vampire, but after blowing his cap, Ortiz has joined the ranks of Zombienation.

13 recs  |  Comment 26 comments

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Comments

Display:

Question

If Holland, Feliz, Hunter, Feldman etc are vampire slayers, wouldn’t that make them females?

by Conjunction on Aug 26, 2009 6:18 AM CDT reply actions   0 recs

only super bad ass left handed pitchers are vampire slayers

and who said you had to be a female to slay vampires?

"The House That Ruth Built, 85 years old, goes out as The House That Hamilton Knocked Down"

by blalock84 on Aug 26, 2009 6:42 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

Unless Van Helsing is getting a sex change operation in his next movie, I don't think so...

Hank is 7 runs below a zombie replacement at first base. Do you realize how terrible that is? Zombie’s can’t think, they’re slow, and they’re often ejected from the game for eating opposing baserunners’ brains. - Ben quantifies Hank Blalock

by lonestarJon on Aug 26, 2009 6:47 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

Well

That all depends on which vampire canon we are basing this off of.

by Conjunction on Aug 26, 2009 7:22 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

i love the quality

of pictures in this post

+rec

by dustinvandeman on Aug 26, 2009 8:26 AM CDT reply actions   0 recs

This thread confuses me

Andruw McCutchen does look a bit like Blade, though.

+1 for the pics of Kiefer, Kate, and Flying Chuck Norris.

- 1 for references to Twilight. That’s like the Jonas Brothers of vampires.

Officially gay for Neftali Feliz

by RCCook on Aug 26, 2009 8:33 AM CDT reply actions   0 recs

Yea, i needed more time to come up with more references

i got a ton of vampire movies stored away, just cant quite recall all of them in one sitting

"The House That Ruth Built, 85 years old, goes out as The House That Hamilton Knocked Down"

by blalock84 on Aug 26, 2009 9:32 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

Someone lace your doobie today?

Just kidding… that’s some funny stuff.

by macromorgan on Aug 26, 2009 9:10 AM CDT reply actions   0 recs

it was left over from last nights scare the living shit out of me to the point where i went silly

"The House That Ruth Built, 85 years old, goes out as The House That Hamilton Knocked Down"

by blalock84 on Aug 26, 2009 9:31 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

i believe the term youre looking for with davis would be a “daywalker”

by sanctii on Aug 26, 2009 10:10 AM CDT reply actions   0 recs

This post qualifies you

for the League of Extraordinary Fanposters.

G G G E-flat_______ F F F D__________....

by t ball on Aug 26, 2009 10:39 AM CDT reply actions   0 recs

But we still don't have...

a zombie Blalock gif.

"Blalock in the cleanup spot makes gives me agita." - Dustin

by benmor78 on Aug 26, 2009 11:59 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

Here's a start ..

Hank is the elephant in the room. When will he disappear?

by Chase Irwin on Aug 26, 2009 12:30 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

This fanpost needs more Kate Beckinsale pictures

"You dont know much do you, Big Steve?"
--Finnerty.Fan on Aug 13, 2009 5:13 PM PDT

by WestTxAg06 on Aug 26, 2009 12:59 PM CDT via mobile reply actions   0 recs

If it were a zombie Kate Beckinsale...

she’d be all “unh unh” on your junk, and then she’d bite it off. And then you’d be a zombie with no junk, and how would that be?

"Blalock in the cleanup spot makes gives me agita." - Dustin

by benmor78 on Aug 26, 2009 1:07 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

Do zombies even have sex?

Officially gay for Neftali Feliz

by RCCook on Aug 26, 2009 1:12 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

Doesn't matter.

Would you rather be a zombie with a penis, or a zombie without a penis?

"Blalock in the cleanup spot makes gives me agita." - Dustin

by benmor78 on Aug 26, 2009 1:15 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

Good point.

Hank is the elephant in the room. When will he disappear?

by Chase Irwin on Aug 26, 2009 1:26 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

If you're a zombie

Do you even know if you have a penis?

I thought that almost all of their thoughts were devoted to brains and the eating thereof.

Gracchus (about Obama): I think he knows what America is. America is the mob. Conjure money for them and they'll be distracted. Take away their freedom and still they'll roar. The beating heart of America is not the paper of the Constitution, it's the power of the media. He'll bring them debt - and they will love him for it.

by Aquaman56 on Aug 26, 2009 3:57 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

You know you have a penis

but you can’t control it, it has a mind of its own. Oh, wait, that’s true even if you’re not a zombie.

G G G E-flat_______ F F F D__________....

by t ball on Aug 27, 2009 10:19 AM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

gagree

you’re welcome

by alon91 on Aug 29, 2009 4:02 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

I don't feel like reading this

but the pictures are awesome

by BuckyB on Aug 26, 2009 1:12 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

didnt miss much

the writing isnt all that good, the pictures are what make it…

"The House That Ruth Built, 85 years old, goes out as The House That Hamilton Knocked Down"

by blalock84 on Aug 26, 2009 8:45 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

I liked how I kept checking back, and you kept adding stuff

Hank is 7 runs below a zombie replacement at first base. Do you realize how terrible that is? Zombie’s can’t think, they’re slow, and they’re often ejected from the game for eating opposing baserunners’ brains. - Ben quantifies Hank Blalock

by lonestarJon on Aug 26, 2009 9:00 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

yea, as you could see

i was very bored last night

"The House That Ruth Built, 85 years old, goes out as The House That Hamilton Knocked Down"

by blalock84 on Aug 26, 2009 9:16 PM CDT up reply actions   0 recs

BTW

I feel terrible for anyone who had to come in contact with any part of Kiefer Sutherland’s body, even his blood. That is definitely a fate worse than death.

Gracchus (about Obama): I think he knows what America is. America is the mob. Conjure money for them and they'll be distracted. Take away their freedom and still they'll roar. The beating heart of America is not the paper of the Constitution, it's the power of the media. He'll bring them debt - and they will love him for it.

by Aquaman56 on Aug 26, 2009 3:58 PM CDT reply actions   0 recs

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