User's Guide to Lone Star Ball 2010

Greeting fans of baseball. It's me again, ghostofErikThompson. You might recall my previous efforts including the one where I made sweet love to baseball or perhaps my dreamy sonnet to Rich Harden. Perhaps you're new around here and in the past year you were linked to the current guide which initiated you into the wacky fun-filled universe that is Lone Star Ball. Perhaps you're brand new RIGHT NOW, on this, the eve of the baseball season. This guide is needed for you most of all.

A lot has changed in the last year here on the LSB. The regular users have become older sure, but also more embittered and bold in their daily sojourns into the wild, untamed prairies of this here blog. There's gold in them there hills, they say; gold in the form of a possible Texas Rangers division championship in 2010. And with golden expectations comes the brutal wilderness to face such as, noobs, trolls, and fat-faced monsters. But you're in luck, Mr. Fat-faced Monster. You're a Texas Rangers fan, so, while still a fat-faced monster, that makes you 90% alright in our eyes. We've been through a lot together in this community on the Internet. On this, Easter Day, like a resurrected Jesus, I present to you the abridged edition to the Guide to Lone Star Ball.

Let's begin the year with a competitive advantage and be sure to read this syllabus of our silliness.

As always, please comment to this manual with any of the things that I surely missed as I am but one man, omnipresent or not, even God misses a thing or two (I'm looking at you Joaquin Arias). So, if you notice anything that needs to be added, altered, adjusted, or expunged, please let me know. The goal with this guide is to bring our new members up on a time line to the Bigs faster than Tanner Scheppers after a Chris Ray implosion.  We have plenty of baseball luminaries wandering the halls of our campus with immense talents so if I forget to credit your work, please make sure to note it and I'll give you credit for your genius.

I think it is important that we, on such a holy holiday, revel in the hierarchy of our grand blog:

• God = Adam J. Morris (AKA Meno71, Meno, AJM) - Adam Morris is a Ranger loving divorce lawyer currently residing in Houston, TX. He loves Jalapeno Corn Nuts, Mike Cameron, and waywardly predicting the demise of the LA Angels every year in June. Be sure to ask him about his Top 50 Rangers.
  
• Jesus = Benjamin Morris (AKA Benmor78, Adam's Brother) - Ben Morris is to Adam Morris as Nelson de la Rosa is to Pedro Martinez. He loves John Danks mom, Kameron Loe, and avoiding updating the preseason predictions. Be sure to ask him what "Jarring" means to a Morris.
  
• The Holy Ghost = Sam Morris (AKA The forgotten and absent Morris Brother) - Presumably, he exists.
  
• Saint Peter = Brett Perryman (AKA Zywica, Z, Zebra Cakes) - He's probably too big for us now that he writes for ESPN, but Z has been in our hearts and Front Page since he announced his promotion as Adam's wing man with, simply, "Thanks, bitches"
  

• Following these heavenly rulers are members that followed Adam from when he was known as Meno71 at the ESPN boards. These users are known, to themselves mostly, as the ESPN Boardies. You can worship them as sub-deities or you can ignore their claims of "I was here when Dave Burba was a decent number 5!"
  
• A small contingent of current users made their way over from Adam's old Blogspot blog that started in refuge of the Wufdog Tsunami that wiped out the majority of the ESPN Board with nary a "We Are the World" telethon present to save the Boardies. These are the LSB Nomads.
• Most of the community is made up of those that joined after finding the blog as it is now, these are the Core LSBers. These users include those that came over from the Newberg Report forum, and those whom searched for Jose Lima's Wife's Dress.
  
• Then there are the Noobs, welcome to The Show. In no time you'll know the difference between high oc and regular, angry oc.
  
• There are the Lurkers. They are the people reading this right now but now too afraid or too wary already to join the fray. POST SOMETHING!  We don't bite! Except for when we do, but that's usually in the sexy way.
  
• Trolls. Go die, please.
  
• Satan - Tom Hicks.
  

• Seth, AKA steal home, save us, stevoo

You know where you fall in line.

Things to know at LSB:

A Visual Representation of This Thing:

Beast:

This is reserved for the most animalistic of great Rangers performances. Variations include Beastly and Beasticon.

Example: "Feliz just struck out the side on 101 MPH cheddar cheese. What a beast!" And while even Esteban German is capable of making a play that is beastly, only the rarest talents will ever make it to the status of Beasticon. As of this date, the only members of the Beasticon Club are Josh Hamilton and Chris Davis. (Though, suspiciously, both have had troubles since they were bestowed with the moniker. I blame Adam.)

When the Rangers win, we say:

Ballgame! Hello Win Column! Or Yay!

The 40 Trumps All:

Wish the Rangers would bring up a Justin Smoak because you're sick of Ryan Garko's cement shoes over at first base? Well, tough, Smoak is not on the 40 man roster and perhaps will be Longoria'd and the 40 Trumps All! Think we should DFA Doug Mathis because he walked in the tying run in the 8th? Oh well, The 40 Trumps All! Just ask thedirkatron, if he isn't too busy punting babies or explaining the differences between shit and butt shit. P.S. Beware of the 40 man-ageddon, coming this winter.

VERY Superstitious:

The Rangers will always lose if Adam or Z do not start the Game Day Thread with a customary "Go Rangers!" Also, the second Game Day Thread of any one game is traditionally bad luck. Pray we go one or three deep but never two. If it is a tight game and we are still in thread two, it's over and it's YOUR fault.

The Penalty Box:

BREAKING NEWS! You just posted a new FanPost for an article about Brandon McCarthy's arm falling off after a catastrophic pillow fight injury ten minutes after Rodney did, guess what? PENALTY BOX. Chris Young just hurled a perfect game in which Adrian Gonzalez hit the game winning grand slam in the bottom of the ninth while John Danks throws 21Ks in game two of the double header (It was an inter league game?) and you rush to LSB to bitch about it in a FanPost. PENALTY BOX. You're Miles. PENALTY BOX! The governing posters of LSB are more ruthless than most wizened NHL line judge. So, be careful when you are crafting up your retrospect on whether that Mark Teixeira trade was really justifiable, with your finger itching on the Publish button. You might just get a 4 minute major for high TREASON.

+1, "this" "that" "the other" "concur":

No. Stop doing that. If you have decided that a comment is worthy of adoration but you don't have anything of substance to add to it, please just give it a rec. THAT'S WHY THERE IS A RECOMMENDED SYSTEM, GUYS!

(No one heeds this one. :( )

Adam and the Eccentric Features:

Be it his random Birthday wishes to obscure baseball players or his quickly dismissed "What Does This Guy Look Like?" feature, Adam painstakingly tries to keep us entertained. Sure we often thread-jack these entries with gifs of ladies in various states of undress. Certainly we haven't had a more polarizing subject than Mr. Show skits during the Friday Afternoon Video since Ron Washington was sitting Nelson Cruz in favor of David Murphy. Adam's Top 50 Rangers of all time is going to include cmkelly29's toddler by the time he is through with it. (A sneak peak at #1: Gerry Laird.) Keep in mind, however, these distractions are posted with love.

Prepare yourself for battle and come forth not lightly shall you choose to participate in the Game Day Thread:

It takes a certain breed of LSBer to survive the Game Day Thread. [WTF ARIAS HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SWING AT THAT?! DFA HIS ASS!] Look, it's no secret; we all love the Texas Rangers. We live or die by every pitch. Every game is a must win. [WASH IS BRINGING IN WILLIE FUCKING EYRE?! FUCK YOU WASH! GAME OVER.] Imagine that fire, that passion that you display at home or at the game, now imagine it with the anonymity of the Internet. [THROW A FUCKING STRIKE!!!] It is fast and it is not for the faint of heart...andOMG!!!!!OMG! MOTHERFUCKING CRUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!1 NO WAY! BALLGAME!!!!!!!!!

The Reply button is your friend:

To those that are new, please remember, the Reply button is your friend. If you follow this, chances are, we won't even notice that this is your third comment ever. Well, unless it is about a Blanco for Utley trade proposal. If you don't follow this, there will be images posted with the intent to shame you and oc would like to have a word with you about your ability to participate.

Athletes are Douches:

If you have a favorite player on the Texas Rangers, chances are, unless he is Elvis Andrus, we'll call 'em a douche bag. We're all rooting for laundry, folks, let's not take it personal. Personally, I think Doug Mathis is a bit of a prick. (Disclaimer: Please do not ever make fun of, call names, or deride Darren O'Day. He's infallible.)

Beware of Small Sample Sizes:

Brandon Boggs was hitting like .600 his first week and a half in the big leagues. He even had his mom booing at umps for calling her baby boy out. The nerve! This is Brandon Freakin' Boggs! And then, he went one for his next 30 something ABs. And suddenly, his mom was booing him. (Probably. I would have been.) You know why? Because Beware of Small Sample Sizes, that's why.

Elvis Andrus:

Our God-king. Stare lightly, for your gaze might find a soul mate.

Beward of Medusa:

Our Cautionary Tale. Stare lightly, for your gaze might find the depths of hell.

The Mailbag Impulse:

It is customary, when TR Sullivan is preparing for a mailbag entry, to wonder out loud:

"When is Justin Thompson going to be ready?"
"How much would it cost for the Rangers to install a roof on the Ballpark? I think they should look into that. It's hot outside in July and I think the team would benefit from a roof."
"What's Rusty Greer up to these days?"
"Could we get Felix Hernandez for Mitch Moreland? The Mariners need hitting and we need pitching. I think it works out for both teams!"
Why would you trade pitching for hitting?! When are we going to get some pitching up in here?!"

Don't worry about these impulses, they're normal. Just don't talk about them with anyone else.

The Great War:

It is over. Let the healing begin.

TL;DR:

We're probably a good 2,500 person strong on this site, so, be prepared to have 2,500 people give their 5,000 word thesis on why signing Darren Oliver was a bad idea. We talk, a lot. There really isn't a topic that we can't drive into the ground faster than the body of the latest shocking celebrity death. Be it about the possibility of the team carrying around the mummified corpse of Mike Lowell or (inexplicably) pages and pages of talk about Mike Leach. We've got it covered from every angle imagined. This isn't much different than when you shoot the shit with your pals at a bar. However, since this is the Internet, we can call you a moron without fear of getting punched in the face.

Stats and You:

Baseball stats are a good thing. Advanced baseball stats are an even better thing. Learning them and their proper uses is perhaps the best thing. I promise you that if you find out how to properly use WAR, BABIP, wOBA, or UZR ratings in your scathing comments about why picking up Jermaine Dye off of the Left-For-Dead wire is a bad idea, we won't assume that you're in your parent's basement. I mean, do we look like we're Dan Shaughnessy? No, some of us, in addition to having jobs and our own place to live, actually have had intercourse with the opposite sex. Despite what you may have heard about the sabermetricly inclined. I mean, Adam has proof he's done it at least twice! Sure, we're not a community of stat-suckling self-congratulators like Mariners fans, but we're not a bunch of Team Chemistry, Luck-Lovin', allergic to numbers Angels fans, either. Learn how to use stats to enhance your argument and dominate.

Knox Stalk:

  +

This epic get together of members of LSB at the Ballpark unfortunately hasn't happened yet. However, when it finally happens, expect to find your favorite LSB personalities as they stalk Jim Knox. Perhaps there will be t-shirts involved. Mirth will be had as we march throughout the park following Knox as he tries to find fans to talk to during his segments in the stands that often border on creepy and always seem to happen when Elvis makes an amazing play at short. Expect laughs, love, and some arrests.

Double Play Dinosaur:

So, you’ve got a runner on first, less than two outs, and a lead that is vanishing faster than Lindsay Lohan's health, what do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO!? Herald the call for the Double Play Dinosaur, of course. This dino is something even Carl Everett can believe in.

Results? Instant Double Play.

Rally <Noun>:

In 2008, it was the Rally Turtle. Deep in the hearts of the Texas Rangers Ball Club resides an Aesop's Fable-esque desire to win the race, not lead in laps. Down one run, two, SEVEN? Fear not. We had Turtle Power on our side.

In 2009, we had the Rally Taco.

A come from behind victory will never be as savory. The Rally Taco was the crispy, crunchy shell of patience. The sheer will of moist, seasoned beef. The gooey richness of our ability to stick together through the tough battles. The Rally Taco always left us with a satisfied feeling of victory.

What will we rally around in 2010? Only the baseball gods know for sure. (I'm putting my vote in for Rally Cry Chrysanthemums.)

Nicknames:

Joaquin Benoit - "Jack Benny" "Benny" (I'll miss you, JB!)

Scott Feldman - "Feldman...From Across the Hall" "The Swan" "Scooter"

Rich Harden - "Dreamy" "Canadian"

Colby Lewis - "Cobra" "Colbyashi"

Doug Mathis - "Asian Kid" "Do-Math"

Darren O'Day - "Kason Gabbard" "O'DAY O'DAY O'DAY O'DAY, O'DAY O'DAY"

Frank Francisco - "Frankie" "Frank Frank" "Frankie Frank" "F2" "FX2" "2 Frank” “Tu Frank"

Kason Gabbard - "Gabby" "Gabbo"

Vincente Padilla - "Padilla Flotilla" "Padzilla" "H1N1"

Kevin Millwood - "Milly" "In the Best Shape of My Life"

Brandon McCarthy - "BlackGloveRighty" "B-Mac"

AJ Murray - "The Pirate"

Dustin Nippert - "Dusty Tits" "Nips"

Eddie Guardado - "Easy Eddie" "Every Day Eddie"

Pedro Strop - "The Audacity of"

Matt Harrison - "Member of the 4H Club" "Bucky O’Harrison" "Harry"

Eric Hurley - "Member of the 4H Club" "High Definition"

Tommy Hunter - "Member of the 4H Club" "Big Game"

Derek Holland - "Member of the 4H Club" "Dutch" "Der-Hol"

Thomas Diamond - "Tommy" "Gemstone"

Sidney Ponson - "Sir" "Pontoon"

Josh Rupe - "Rupealoop"

Warner Madrigal - "Mad Dog" "Cabbage Patch Kid"

Neftali Feliz - "Neftali Perez" "King Feliz" "Happy" "Happy Happy" "Neffy" "Cheddar"

C.J. Wilson - "BlueGloveLefty" "Ceej"

Jamey Wright - "The Electrician"

Gerald Laird - "One Man, Five Tools" "OMFT" "Superstar" "One Man, Five Scoops"

Jarrod Saltalamacchia - "Salty" "Johnny Douchebag" "Saltalphabet" "Mach 5" "Salts McGee"

Matt Treanor - "Misty"

Nelson Cruz - "Nellie" "Cruz Missile" "NC-17"

Vladimir Guerrero - "Vlad" "Vladdy" "The Impaler"

Julio Borbon - "Bourbon" "Johnny Damon Arm"

German Duran - "Rio"

Andres Blanco - "Mr. White"

Ryan Garko - "Gonnie Garko" "Donnie"

Chris Davis - "Crush Davis" "Crush" "CD" "Beasticon"

Hank Blalock - "The Hammer" "Hank The Bank" "Zombie Hank Blalock"

Ian Kinsler - "Kins"

Jurickson Profar - "Son of Judeska and Chesmond"

Michael Kirkman - "Captain"

Richard Bleier - "Dick" "King Richard" "The Bleierhearted"

Martin Perez - "Santana"

Marcus Lemon - "Lil' Lemon"

Leonel de los Santos - "Macumba"

Tommy Mendonca - "Mendonca-donk"

Elizardo Ramirez - "The Lizard"

Chris Shelton - "Ginger" "Fire Crotch" "Naked Mole Rat"

Michael Young - "Face of the Franchise" "FOTF" "The Face"

Ramon Vasquez - "The Stache"

Taylor Teagarden - "Tea" "TT"

Brandon Boggs - "BB" "Wade's Son"

Milton Bradley - "Board Game" "Yahtzee!" "Connect Four" "Uncle Milty"

Frank Catalanotto - "Frankie" "Frankie The Cat" "The Cat"

Marlon Byrd - "Byrd man" "The Byrd Man of Arlington"

Josh Hamilton - "Roy Hobbs" "The Natural" "Hammy" "Hambone" "Beasticon"

David Murphy - "Murphy" "The Murphinator" "Doublely Doo Right" "Baby Rusty"

Blake Beavan - "Captain Wonderful" "C-Wun"

Max Ramirez - "MaxRam" "Maximillion" "Mad Max" "Max Power"

Greg Golson - "The Tool Shed"

Joaquin Arias - "The Human Rorschach Test" "Spider-Man" "Cockroach"

Justin Smoak - "Smoak Monster" "Smoak on the Water"

Fabio Castillo - "Blow Rider"

Rod Barajas - "Popup"

Mark DeRosa - "Dumpmaster D"

Brad Wilkerson - "Whiffy" "Whifferson"

Mark Teixeira - "Tex"

Tom Grieve - "TAG" "Don't Tweet"

Buck Showalter - "Buckles"

Ron Washington - "The Gut" "The Gutfather" "Cocaine Ron"

John Hart - "The Empty Golf Shirt" "EGS"

Tim MacMahon - "Poochie"

Kevin Mench - "Shrek"

Chuck Greenberg - "The Savior"

Trolls and You: Is It Normal to Feel Rage "Down There?"

Yes, let's talk about our trolls for a moment. As any other collection of online minds, trolls, we have 'em. They range from invaders from rival teams to get in generic digs about the state of our pitching to the peskier, overly obnoxious board regular that everyone loves to hate. That said, along with some hilarious people, we also have some pretty strong trolls. They deftly rouse up the masses with their unrelenting shtick and multiple sock puppet usernames. So, if you're here to troll, get in line. I refer you to the following guide if you're registering to troll:

The Agreen07 Troll Theory states that in order to successfully become an LSB troll, one must satisfy ALL of the following conditions.

1. Establish yourself as a legitimate commenter by posting a minimum of ten (10) insightful and/or interesting comments related to the Rangers.
2. Develop at least one shtick (examples include religion, firing the general manager, hatred of all things LSB, injection of politics into non-politics threads, one-word responses, etc.)
3. Maintain a 5/1 ratio of shtick to non-shtick comments.
4. Be a jerk to anyone who disagrees with you, and remain staunchly unshakable from your beliefs, regardless of logical responses presented to you.

If you can follow these rules set forth, then yes, you can be a successful troll here at LSB. However, just know, we will run circles around your circular logic.

However, if you entirely want to avoid these bastard monsters, you can always employ ab03’s trollscript. Now you can weed out the bad seeds and enhance your LSB experience by not giving the people that are out to ruin your good time your time of day. This is especially useful when people start posting diseased penises.

Getting to know us:

-Ed Coffin is our elder statesman. Every one of his posts is better than the sum of your posts. If we had an ambassador, he would be it. It is rumored he adopted Nelson Cruz and helped turn his career around just by giving him sagely advice.

-bigsteve math is 2+2=76. Wait, what? Yep. Exactly.

-Julio Borbon just broke the in clubhouse record for most sunflower seeds in one mouth at a single time. And you know how you know about this? Because Kinslerhomer was there with a link 15 minutes before it even happened. I'm pretty sure he isn't real and is instead a web-crawling Rangers News Bot.

-DSheppard is a wizard. No, not Ozzie Smith or Merlin, he's a wizard with Photoshop. DShep has littered GDTs with classic images and gifs, from the Cruz Missile to his marvelous custom Rangers commercials to the H-Bomb. I wondered here last Guide as to why he didn't yet have a job working for Chuck Morgan and the Rangers for in-game entertainment. Turns out, he now does.

Evidence:

-Do not feed the Sharky.

-HurlerHurley is an alcoholic. Don't encourage his behavior.

-Miles is perpetually 16 years old. He is like LSB's resident younger brother. Make sure to tussle his hair a bit and tell him how much Rudy Yan sucked. However, keep in mind always Miles' status. (Editor's Note: Miles is now a Cleveland Indians fan. Disregard him.)

-lonestarJon is baseball Jesus. Deal with it. He also has 36,768 comment posts as of 10:16 PM PT 4/04/10. That's over 9K more than anyone else in the past two years. I'd wager of those nearly 37K posts, 35K of them were complaining about Ron Washington.

-Zywica knows everything about every player in every league that has ever played. Ever. Even if they are 9. ESPECIALLY if they are 9. And luckily for us, Shroomer has the video clips and pictures to back him up.

-If Chris Davis isn't in the lineup it isn't because Ron Washington decided he needed a day off, it's because baseballismyboyfriend has finally enacted her plan to kidnap CD and make her new screen name: chrisdavisismyboyfriend.

-t ball is secretly a stand-up comedian. I know this because he tries out his material on each and every one of his comments. Sure, he'll throw in a well reasoned baseball comment, too, but, if you take the first letter for each sentence, it spells a dick joke. I'm on to you t ball...or should I say, stand-up comedian Tim Ball?

-DJCahill is the blog's token curmudgeon, that is, unless Chris Martin is around this month. However, Chris Martin is easily subdued by referring to him as "Coldplay." Cahill, however, only likes two things: Steroid use and Sammy Sosa. Which, I guess, is mostly just one thing.

-Josey "The Outlaw" Wales is the resident front office and board contrarian. If you see him write something like: "This year is going to be another Rancid Pile, but if Boy Blunder can get some decent guys in The Show, we might pull off 65 games this season." This isn't because he is crazy, no, it's just because he is a man that finds little faith in a General Manager he doesn't see fit to even serve him his morning donut. He knows us a little too well to fail at allowing himself get under our skin. He might make you infuriated to be alive, but you can't say he isn't good at what he does. If you are unsure on how to handle a Josey onslaught, simply Dazzle My Ass.

-Somewhere, oc is not amused.

-But at least he'd never kick a baby in the face over the level of excitement his baseball pants are currently displaying like Mr. Thed Irk Atron.

-And now a word from Longhorn. Longhorn, take it away. Longhorn: "weak." Thanks, Longhorn. Always a man of brevity.

-Fuck Brett Gardner.

-MikeE says "No."

The official image of Lone Star Ball: