There appear to be three schools of thought about the state of the Rangers 2011 broadcast. The first school of thought enjoys the "professional" broadcast. We'll call this the DMN Mailbag school. The second school of thought is bored to tears with Rhadigan. The third group simply can't stand his style, lack of preparedness, failing, and other assorted Rhadigaffes.
So I ask you LSB, why should the DMN Mailbaggers get to be the only fans who enjoy the broadcast? Those of us who fall in the second and third categories deserve to take enjoyment from the broadcast too. In that spirit I propose to you The Rhadigan Drinking Game. The list I have of drinkable offenses is a starter list, and if you feel there are any omissions they will certainly be added to the list.
For those of you new to drinking games the rules are very simple. When a described event happens you drink. That's it. The aim, in the case of this game, is to get as drunk as reasonably possible as quickly as possible to make the broadcast enjoyable. So before I get tl;dr'd I present the preliminary list:
Singles: 1 shot
"1-2-3 go the <Insert Team>"/ "The side's retired"/ "...the payoff pitch"
Rhadigan likes to use cliche phrases as much as possible as a crutch. We can turn this annoyance into an opportunity. An oppurtinity to capitalize on 2-3 drinks every half inning. Whenever John says "And 1-2-3 go the <any team>", "The side's retired". or some variation of "...the payoff pitch" take one shot
Bored flyball call/ Forced Excitement
Here is the first entry open for debate. Keep in mind that the idea is to get sloshed so be generous. Most of John's flyball calls seem completely disinterested, and when a ball falls in for a hit (or god forbid a home run) the fake excitement flows out of Rhadigan's mouth. Basically, if he seems bored with a flyball take one shot. If he seems disingenuous with his excitement take one shot.
***It's also worth noting that individual plays very likely can be worth two or three shots. A bored flyball call can quickly turn into forced excitement for an unexpected home run. See Moreland, Mitch on 4/18/2011.
A combination of 3 "he skies/slices it" moments in any inning
Rhadigan is fond of saying "he skies it" for a flyball, and "he slices it...foul" for foul balls. If 3 instances of this happen in any inning take a shot. This seems like a ridiculous total to aim for, but I think it will result in 4 shots per game easily.
False positive identification
Whenever John identifies a player active in the current game as someone else take a shot.
Doubles: 2 shots
Every forced Texas cliche
Now we're into the money shots. Does "Let's Play Ball, Y'all" drive you insane? Good, take two shots. How about "There ya go, boys"? Twooooooooooo shots. Any Texas cliche that leaves Rhadigan's mouth is worth two shots...not just those two.
John repeats exactly what Tom just said
Rhads doesn't have much snap at times. On several occasions he has restated exactly what Tom just said. On 4/18/2011 Tom made a point about the Angels having 2 centerfielders flanking Peter Bourjous. Rhadigan replied by saying the Angels basically have 3 centerfielders. Two shots, John.
Over 1 minute of dead air
When you reach a point where it feels like there has been at least 1 full minute of dead air with nothing said take two shots. For those of you with DVR it's very easy to confirm this event has taken place.
Weird sexual innuendo
This is my favorite category. Whenever Rhadigan says something loaded with unintended sexual innuendo take two shots. When John says "she was thinking deep inside her fur" take two shots. When John says "that guy is shovelling nuts into his mouth" take two shots. When he says Mark McLemore "lustfully" put up a stop sign take two shots. It's really a limitless category.
Triples: 3 shots
When you reach the point where you think Tom might be in a coma
I don't think Tom enjoys talking to Rhadigan some games. Sometimes Tom will go 10 minutes (roughly) without talking making you think that just maybe Tom is in a coma. When you get the inkling that Tom might be comatose take three shots (usually 5-10 minutes of silence), and hope he returns before the inning ends.
Home Runs: 4 shots
"It's a caught"
Seriously, if John ever utters that again this game will be over quickly because we'll all be hammered. Leeway is extended in this case for when a phrase so confounding is uttered that you feel 4 shots are warranted. You must keep in mind that 4 shots can be a game changer very quickly so only look for the most sublime moments.
In conclusion, this game sounds like fun. I plan to play for the first time tonight. I think I'll be hammered by 8:00. If you have any suggestions for drinkable situations feel free to post them and if a consensus is built they will be added.