Rangers Winter Meetings Recap

Zzzzzzzzzzzz - USA Today Sports

More like 'Winter Beatings,' amirite?

Here are the things the Rangers did in Nashville:

  • Explained to Nolan Ryan that the Gaylord Opryland Hotel is not the same as the Grand Ole Opry.
  • Asked Thad Levine to stop giggling at the name "Gaylord."
  • Re-signed Geovany Soto to a one-year $2.75 mil contract to be the likely starting catcher as they got on the plane to visit the swap meet in baseball-barren Tennessee.
  • Mike Napoli's signing with Boston was ruefully mourned. The decision to not extend him a qualifying offer would go down as the moment the Rangers' downfall began, they would remark years later.
  • Signed formerly pornographically awesome (but currently recovering from Tommy John surgery) closer Joakim Soria to a two-year $8 mil contract, with a team option, to be Joe Nathan's setup man.
  • Ron Washington--perhaps by threatening to send Jackie Moore to a retirement home--gave a press conference to talk about how great Michael Young will be next season because no one else was available to do it with a straight face.
  • Jon Daniels said, "I learned my lesson two years ago" in regards to trying to trade Young and people took that to mean something other than what Daniels really meant which was that he realized he should have traded Young two years ago.
  • Faxed Michael Young a photo of Jurickson Profar fielding every position on the diamond at Rangers Ballpark in Arlington and coupons to Geno's in Philly.
  • Made Evan Grant super wistful for the good ol' days when men were men and those men were Michael Young.
  • Lost Chris McGuiness and Tommy Mendonca in various phases of the Rule 5 draft while picking up something named Coty Woods from the Rockies. No one cared.
  • Saw that R.A. Dickey was available for trade and got excited because he was the 2012 National League Cy Young award winner. Saw Dickey in the lobby and said, "Wait...THAT GUY?!"
  • Tried to sign Zack Greinke, Josh Hamilton, Nick Swisher, Napoli, Michael Bourn, Adam LaRoche, Prince Fielder (it's never too late), B.J. Upton (even though he was already signed), Justin Upton (even though he is under contract), and Kate Upton.
  • Watched as the Angels signed Joe Blanton. (Ed. note: BAHAHAHAHA)
  • Engaged every other team's GM (expect for probably Baltimore's Dan Duquette who seems like he would be smelly to be in a conference room with) in trade talks in hopes of acquiring their best talent.
  • Flew in money man owner Ray Davis to stand in the lobby flipping through a stack of hundos in killer shades.
  • Tag-teamed with Andrew Friedman to try to make Kevin Towers give them Upton for something other than Elvis Andrus or Jurickson Profar. Towers was likely never more fearful of his losing his life or dignity before in his life.
  • Told Jack Z in Seattle to wait his damn turn.
  • Made baseball writers around the country, enjoying a free vacation to Nashville, exclaim that the Rangers had hijacked the meetings with their callous desire to be the world's best baseball team.
  • Had a sighting of the ghost of the New York Yankees stalking the hallways while moaning of a luxury hex that has shackled them from returning to this mortal realm.
  • Did nothing and everything.
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