User's Guide to Lone Star Ball 2012

How's it going, Texas Rangers baseball fans? It is I, ghostofErikThompson. You may remember seeing me from last season's Series Previews, Game Day Threads, Post Game Threads, and Rangers Timelines or maybe you recall that one time I didn't put the score in the post game thread. It's possible that you are new around here, however. Maybe you saw last year's User's Guide somewhere along the way and got your feet wet in the truly bizarre, truly great universe that is Lone Star Ball. Perhaps this is your first day here and you're ready to watch the two-time defending American League Champions with some great online Rangers fans. This guide will help you have a solid rookie season.

In User's Guide tradition, I usually say, "A lot has changed in the last year here at LSB," but this year, that's not really true. Since the last guide launched, the user-base has still grown to numbers once thought impossible and that was before they reached impossible numbers years ago. We continue to see new posters integrate themselves admirably into our world day-by-day. No longer is LSB a site where it is out of the ordinary for Chuck Morgan to stop by and ask us what promotions we'd like to see, and then have them made. And while we've seen LSB become more and more of a social club over the last year or so, we're still all in it for the baseball. Just like last year, we congregate again on the cusp of a new season looking forward to seeing our team defend the league title.

In as much as it is the glory days of the Texas Rangers Baseball Club, so too can it be said that we're seeing the finest years of our fair community. Let's keep perspective, however: Ever been in a boardroom, or a gang fight? Ever save a life? Ever won a court case against the odds? Ever held a dying buddy in your arms? - jackanape 2010

With that said, Lone Star Ball is filled to the brim with well-informed, brash personalities. In true Internet style, each of us is prone to feeling like we're the most correct in our opinion in every thread. It can be intimidating to jump in feet first. But while there is a dispute here and there, there is also often healthy, interesting debate. Now that the Rangers have become something of a new baseball powerhouse, with history, relevancy and rivals, it is only fair that we sharpen our claws in preparation for another long season as fans of one of the best teams in baseball.

So it is with that that I present to you the next volume of the Guide to Lone Star Ball. Join me in this sacred writ to our psychosis.


As always, please comment to this manual with any of the things that I surely missed as I am but one of the many that make up LSB. I should also note that I don't venture into the OT Threads nearly as much as some, so this guide may leave the ins and outs of the OT Threads incomplete. If you notice anything that needs to be added, altered, adjusted, or expunged, please let me know. The goal with this guide is to bring our new members up to The Show faster than Robbie Ross after a Michael Kirkman implosion.

We have tons of creative geniuses leaving their mark on Lone Star Ball every day, but if I forget to credit your work, please make sure to note it and I'll give you your due.

Like every good organized crime family, there is a hierarchy for our mafia of bloggers. Many made men to laud, many wise guys to overthrow:

  • Don of The Angry Dome = Adam J. Morris (AKA Meno71, Meno, AJM, von Marriage Smasher) - Adam Morris is a Ranger-loving divorce lawyer currently residing in Houston, TX. He loves Tommy Hunter, dropping random knowledge of 80s/90s hip hop culture unexpectedly, and crafting SB Nation YouTube videos that rival Davis Lynch in their surrealism. Be sure to ask him about "jarring" and what Seth has been up to (odds are, it will involve poop).
  • Underboss = Benjamin Morris (AKA Benmor78, Adam's Brother, Ballpark Concessionaire) - Ben Morris is to Adam Morris as Nelson de la Rosa is to Pedro Martinez. He loves John Danks' mom, Kameron Loe, and avoiding updating the community projections so much so that he doesn't do them anymore. Be sure to ask him about his beer store idea and what he thinks about going to college.
  • Consigliere = Me, ghostofErikThompson (AKA Fittz, goat, goET) - I do the little things. Sometimes I do the big things. Sometimes I'm inexplicably George Hamilton in the sequel.
  • Capo = Brad (AKA Matchst1ck, Stick, Bradstick) - Came on the scene last season and took the organization by storm. A real mensch and up-and-comer. Brad has an almost eidetic memory of everything that's happened at LSB. Perhaps he knows too much?
  • Soldier = Cecilio's Guante (AKA Ryan, Ryin A, Appleton, King of the Tailgates) - Ryan is just about the nicest enforcer that you'll ever meet. He also made me a bacon-wrapped jalapeno once.
  • Following these goodfellas are members that escaped with Adam from when he was known as Meno71 at the ESPN boards. These users are known, to themselves mostly, as the ESPN Boardies. You can kiss the rings or you can ignore their claims of "I was here when Jeffrey Loria was the Black Angel of Death!"
  • A small contingent of current users made their way over from Adam's old Blogspot blog that started in the wake of an uprising called the Wufdog Initiative that wiped out the majority of the ESPN Board with many war crimes. Those that survived are the LSB Associates.
  • Most of the community is made up of those that joined after finding the blog as it is now, these are the LSB Partners. These users include those that came over from the Newberg Report forum, and those whom searched for "kari byron + boobs".
  • Then there are the Stoolie Noobs. Welcome to The Angry Dome. In no time you'll puzzle out the difference between the blurred line that is "douche" Benji and regular, good-guy Benji.
  • The Old Boss - Tom Hicks (Though he was was slain by crafty Commissioner Chuck Greenberg, himself slain by capo di tutti capi Nolan Ryan)
  • The Informant: Seth, AKA steal home, save us, stevoo

You know where you fall in line.

Things to know at LSB

A Visual Representation of This Thing:


The Angrydome:

Let's say the Rangers fail to trade a 1.3 WAR late-inning reliever to the Toronto Blue Jays because said reliever evoked the no-trade clause in his contract. To perhaps any normal, rational thinking human being, this doesn't even register as an event worth pondering. But not to a user at Lone Star Ball. If it can be argued, it will be. If it can be debated, it will be. If it can be worried over, anguished about or doubted, hashed, rehashed, or allowed to overreact about, bickered, refuted, or rebutted, presupposed, surmised or assumed, it will be. Loudly. If you aren't prepared to defend your every opinion until your last dying breath, this might not be the place for you.

The "Hi, I'm new here..." Post:

You're new here. You want to make a grand introduction. That seems understandable enough. The problem is, we've seen it a million times. You bust out with an awkward, poorly formatted, bereft of content, long-winded FanPost that is immediately mocked and scorned. You have two choices new poster, go the path of least resistance and apologize for your newness, promise to learn the ropes, and grow and mature as you become a valued poster here at Lone Star Ball. Or, there is always option two. You strike back in defensive mode while explaining that it is everyone else who just doesn't get the genius of your first foray into our hearts and collective consciousness. This way leads to an end you will not like. Do not do it. It cannot be stated enough that your first few opinions will more than likely be derided. That's just the way the Angrydome go. But do not let that deter you, new poster. Odds are your trade proposal WAS terrible and if you stick around past your baptism by fire, you'll come to realize your niche and be a better fan and regular around here in no time.

When the Rangers win, we say:

Ballgame! Hello Win Column! Or Yay! (Note: We do not say, There ya go, boys!)

The 40 Trumps All:

Wish the Rangers would bring up Brad Hawpe because you're tired of Mitch Moreland's wrist being more swollen than our offseason Prince Fielder dreams? Tough luck, Hawpe is not on the 40 man roster and the 40 Trumps All! Think we should DFA Alberto Gonzalez because he booted a ball on a tailor made double play ball? Oh well, The 40 Trumps All! Besides, that's silly. He's the only back-up middle infielder. Stop being silly. Just ask thedirkatron...if he weren't too busy probably being in prison making finger paintings of pears. Speaking of...



A most delicious fruit.

Beware the Second Game Day Thread:

Maybe it's because by the time the second GDT has been posted the day's starter is now venturing into his second or third time through the order. Maybe it's because you touch yourself at night. But probably it is because the second Game Day Thread is cursed. This is no longer a small sample of data. We're going off of half a decade of GDT2 misery. Pray we go one or three deep but never two. If it is a tight game and we are still in GDT2, it's over and it's YOUR fault. Comment more to avoid the GDT2 beast. It hungers for blown saves, failed rallies and LSBer tears.

Prepare yourself for battle and come forth not lightly shall you choose to participate in the Game Day Thread:

It takes a certain breed of LSBer to survive the Game Day Thread. [WTF BORBON HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SWING AT THAT?! DFA HIS ASS!] Look, it's no secret; we all love the Texas Rangers. We live or die by every pitch. Every game is a must win. [WASH IS BRINGING IN MARK FUCKING LOWE?! FUCK YOU WASH! GAME OVER.] Imagine that fire and passion that you display at home or at the game, now imagine it with the anonymity of the Internet. [THROW A FUCKING STRIKE YOU ASSHOLE!!!] It is fast and it is not for the faint of heart...andOMG!!!!!OMG! HOLY FUCK CRUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!1 NO WAY! BALLGAME!!!!!!!!!


(scoop16 told me that this is iorange)

OT Thread:

If blind rage and unbridled enthusiasm are not your thing, perhaps you'd like to try our wildly popular Off Topic threads. Born out of frustration and boredom over the offseason last year--where every thread had become something like a chatroom--the OT threads are put up daily (sometimes as many as three or four a day) to give you a place to share anything that comes to mind that you want to share with Lone Star Ball. A further sense of camaraderie among LSBers has formed out of the advent of the OT Threads as it has become the place where many of us who have already met before hang out to socialize. Of course, if you don't want to visit the OT thread and want to share anything with Lone Star Ball, in any other thread, you're welcome to still do that but we just might ignore you or tell you to go to the OT Thread.

The Reply button is your friend:


To those that are new, please remember, the Reply button is your friend. If you follow this, chances are, we won't even notice that this is your third comment ever. Well, unless it is about a Feliz for Jun Pierre trade proposal. If you don't follow this, there will be images posted with the intent to shame you, and oc would like to have a word with you about your ability to participate.

Athletes are Douches:

If you have a favorite player on the Texas Rangers, chances are, unless he is Elvis Andrus, we'll call him a very bad name or say he is terrible at his job from time to time. We're all rooting for laundry, folks; let's not take it personal. For example, I think that Conor Jackson looks like he could be a bit of a prick. (Disclaimer: Please do not ever make fun of, call names, or deride Adrian Beltre or Yoshinori Tateyama. These men are infallible.)


Don't look now, but the Rangers have a rival. From 2002 until the 2010 season, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim won the A.L. West five times and won a World Series. Since then, the Rangers have wrestled the West from the Angels and became the first team to win consecutive American League Pennants since the New York Yankee dynasty of the late '90s. The Angels decided to strike back by signing the best hitter of this generation in Albert Pujols and the Rangers' 2011 staff ace in C.J. Wilson this offseason. All of this came after a season in which the Rangers wrestled a former Angel in Mike Napoli away from Anaheim. This provides us an interesting dynamic where Angels fans have grown to dislike a former fan favorite in Napoli while Rangers fans are singing his name at The Ballpark. Now Angels fans will be laughing about Wilson's Twitter antics while Ranger fans dismiss one of the best pitching success stories in team history. All of this is to say, DON'T GO TO HALOS HEAVEN. Seriously, don't go there.

Adam and the Eccentric Features:

Be it his random birthday wishes to obscure baseball players or his quickly dismissed "What Does This Guy Look Like?" feature, Adam painstakingly tries to keep us entertained. We often thread-jack these entries with gifs of ladies in various states of undress. Certainly we haven't had a more polarizing subject than Mr. Show skits during the Friday Afternoon Video since Ron Washington was batting Nelson Cruz 6th favor of Michael Young in the 5 hole. Adam's Top 50 Rangers of All Time is going to include ghettobear's young child by the time he is through with it. (A sneak peak at #1: Craig Gentry.)

Community Rankings:

Every winter, and then at mid-season, we hold the Dirkatron Memorial Prospect Rankings as a community. Currently, Adam is running a LSB Top 100 Players in MLB vote. Brad is working on our community projections. Philkid3 has a LSB Community All-Time Greatest Rangers Ranking ongoing. Needless to say, we like to rank things. And then we like to make fun of where people ranked Robbie Ross.

Matt Harrison read a book:


(h/t TheBestMicah)

Then he became a 4 WAR pitcher. Then he became LSB's Cap'n O.G. Readmore.

Jon Daniels = Ninja:

Lone Star Ball likes to call Jon Daniels a Ninja because he went from John Hart apprentice to Adrian Gonzalez for Adam Eaton trader to architect of the greatest run of Rangers teams in the history of baseball in Arlington. Ninja is the name of a GM that runs a front office that folks like to say out-work other teams while sandbagging the media and being in on every possible player. It's hard not to picture Daniels as being a covert baseball team-running assassin.

The Basketball Mafia:

Hidden among you, baseball fans, are fans of the game of hoops and they will have you whacked if you aren't careful. I like to imagine their official theme song is Roundball Rock and their secret handshake involves sign language signing Detlef Schrempf's name but they won't let me in because I started liking the Warriors.

The Spanish Beltre Thread:

Never forget.


What was thought of as only a disgusting, horrifying breakfast sandwich can indeed derail an entire baseball team's month of April.

Beware of Small Sample Sizes:

Brandon Boggs was hitting like .600 his first week and a half in the big leagues. He even had his mom booing at umps for calling her baby boy out. The nerve! This is Brandon Freakin' Boggs! And then, he went 1 for his next 30 something ABs. And suddenly, his mom was booing him. (Probably. I would have been.) You know why? Because Beware of Small Sample Sizes, that's why.

Elvis Andrus Riding An Elephant!


Nothing else need be said.

The Inbox Impulse:

It is customary, when TR Sullivan is preparing for an Inbox entry, to wonder out loud:

"Will the Rangers move Neftali Feliz back to closer if Joe Nathan fails?"
"How much would it cost for the Rangers to install a roof on the Ballpark? I think they should look into that. It's hot outside in July and I think the team would benefit from a roof."
"What's David Hulse up to these days?"
"Could we get Felix Hernandez for Nelson Cruz? The Mariners need hitting and we need pitching. I think it works out for both teams!"
Why would you trade pitching for hitting?! When are we going to get some pitching up in here?!"

Don't worry about these impulses, they're normal. Just don't talk about them with anyone else.


We're a good 6,300 person strong on this site, so, be prepared to have 6,300 people give their 5,000 word thesis on why signing Yu Darvish and letting C.J. Wilson go was a good idea. We talk, a lot. There really isn't a topic that we can't drive into the ground faster than Wilson can ruin years and years of goodwill with an entire fanbase. Be it about the possibility of both Julio Borbon and Craig Gentry making the team or (inexplicably) pages and pages of talk about dinosaur penises, we've got it covered from every angle imagined. Sometimes in graphic animated gif form. This isn't much different than when you shoot the shit with your pals at a bar. However, since this is the Internet, we can call you a moron without fear of getting punched in the face.

The John Rhadigan Experiment:

Last year at this time we were preparing to experience a new play-by-play television announcer after long-time announcer Josh Lewin was let go. That new announcer was Fox Sports Southwest studio anchor John Rhadigan. It began in Spring Training with cringe-worthy efforts such as "Saddle up baseball! You're going for a ride!" and "There ya go, boys!" and devolved into "It's a caught!" and a stroke-inducing Saturday Night Live reenactment about cheeseburgers. During all of this, LSB was aghast even though local media pretended it wasn't even a problem. By late May, Rhadigan was out and Dave Barnett suddenly seemed competent. Rhadigan is back doing yeoman's work on the Rangers' pre and postgame shows while LSB is left with the ridiculous memories.

Stats and You:

Baseball stats are a good thing. Advanced baseball stats are an even better thing. Learning them and their proper uses is perhaps the best thing. I promise you that if you find out how to properly use WAR, BABIP, wOBA, or UZR ratings in your scathing comments about why picking up Gabe Gross off of the Left-For-Dead wire is a bad idea, we won't assume that you're in your parent's basement. I mean, do we look like we're Dan Shaughnessy? I rather hope not. In fact, some of us even, in addition to having jobs and our own place to live, actually have had intercourse with the opposite sex, despite what you may have heard about the sabermetrically inclined. I mean, Adam has proof he's done it at least twice! Sure, we're not a community of stat-suckling self-congratulators like Mariners fans, but we're not a bunch of team chemistry, luck-lovin', allergic to numbers Angels fans, either. Learn how to use stats to enhance your argument.

Knox Stalk:

1z20hv4_medium + 2q9kk1e_medium

This epic get together of members of LSB at the Ballpark unfortunately hasn't happened yet. However, when it finally happens, expect to find your favorite LSB personalities as they stalk Jim Knox. Perhaps there will be t-shirts involved. Mirth will be had as we march throughout the park following Knox as he tries to find fans to talk to during his segments in the stands that often border on creepy and always seem to happen when Elvis makes an amazing play at short. Expect laughs, love, and some arrests.

P.S. It's going to actually happen this year! Rbtlj_medium

Chili Wars:

Do you eat chili? I'll assume that you do. Do you have an opinion on what is better: chili with beans or chili without beans? You do. Don't lie. Whether you like "spicy meat water" or "stew" to be a member of Lone Star Ball requires you to make a choice. Beans or no beans? Seal your fate. (The answer is beans, by the way.)

Mike Olt Meme:

Mike Olt appreciates being included in the User's Guide but he thinks this space would be better served to talk about the work Greg Miclat has been putting in this spring.

Double Play Dinosaur:

So, you’ve got a runner on first, less than two outs, and a lead that is vanishing faster than Whitney Houston's sympathy cache. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO!? Herald the call for the Double Play Dinosaur, of course. This dino is something even Carl Everett can believe in.

Results? Instant Double Play.

Rally <Noun>:

In 2008, it was the Rally Turtle. Deep in the hearts of the Texas Rangers Ball Club resides an Aesop's Fable-esque desire to win the race, not lead in laps. Down one run, two, SEVEN? Fear not. We had Turtle Power on our side.

In 2009, we had the Rally Taco.


A come from behind victory will never be as savory. The Rally Taco was the crispy, crunchy shell of patience. The sheer will of moist, seasoned beef. The gooey richness of our ability to stick together through the tough battles. The Rally Taco always left us with a satisfied feeling of victory.

In 2010, we did it up Not-Safe-Work style with Rally [Insert Hot Lady].


Be it Claudia, Salma, or Gina, these ladies never let us down. Physiologically. (Warning: No Katy Perry)

In 2011, Maximilian brought us Rally Kreayshawn.


Either through White Girl Mob swag magic or the power of disdain of everyone else in the thread, somehow Rally Kreayshawn always worked.

What will we rally around in 2012? Only the baseball gods know for sure but I say we continue the trend with some Rally Lil Debbie.



Scott Feldman - "Feldman...From Across the Hall" "The Swan" "Scooter" "Feldmania"

Colby Lewis - "Cobra" "Colbyashi"

Darren Oliver - "DO" "Grandpa" (NEVER FORGET Jerkoff_medium)

Mike Napoli - "Naps" "NAP-O-LI!"

Darren O'Day - "Kason Gabbard" "O'DAY O'DAY O'DAY O'DAY, O'DAY O'DAY" (A forever favorite)

Pedro Strop - "The Audacity of Strop"

Matt Harrison - "Cap'n O.G. Readmore" "Bucky O’Harrison" "Harry"

Tommy Hunter - "Big Game"

Derek Holland - "Dutchstache" "Dutch" "Der-Hol" "Dutch Oven" "Chicken Butt"

Neftali Feliz - "Neftali Perez" "Happy" "Happy Happy" "Neffy" "Cheddar"

Mike Adams - "Dat Mike Adams" "MYCADAMS"

Alexi Ogando - "Easter Island" "Ogandeal with it"

Yoshinori Tateyama - "Yoshimania" "Yoshi"

Yu Darvish - "Whirling Darvish" "innumerable Yu/You puns"

Jamey Wright - "The Electrician"

Gerald Laird - "One Man, Five Tools" "OMFT" "Superstar" "One Man, Five Scoops"

Yorvit Torrealba - "Veet"

Nelson Cruz - "Nellie" "Cruz Missile" "NC-17" "Boomstick"

Vladimir Guerrero - "Vlad" "Vladdy" "The Impaler"

Julio Borbon - "Bourbon" "Johnny Damon Arm" "Judy" "Juliet" "Borboner"

Elvis Andrus - "Tiny E"

Mitch Moreland - "Bunk" "Luckiest guy of that night"

Andres Blanco - "Mr. White"

Hank Blalock - "The Hammer" "Hank The Bank" "Zombie Hank Blalock" "Batlak"

Ian Kinsler - "Kins" "Turns to dust"

Jurickson Profar - "Son of Judeska and Chesmond"

Michael Kirkman - "Captain"

Richard Bleier - "King Richard The Bleierhearted"

Martin Perez - "Marteen"

Mike Olt - "MIKE OLT!" "The Oltimate Weapon"

Robbie Ross - "Helium"

Neil Ramirez - "NeRa"

Leonys Martin - "King Leonys"

Zach Cone - "Mr. Bookman"

Cody Buckel - "Tea Time" "Belt"

Leonel de los Santos - "Macumba"

Tommy Mendonca - "Mendonca-donk"

Michael Young - "Face of the Franchise" "FOTF" "The Face"

Adrian Beltre - "Belts" "Oh Shit!"

Josh Hamilton - "Roy Hobbs" "The Natural" "Hammy" "Hambone"

David Murphy - "Murphy" "The Murphinator" "Doublely Doo Right" "Baby Rusty" "The Clutch"

Jorge Alfaro - "The Legend" "#legend"

Will Lamb - "Will I. Lamb"

Greg Golson - "The Tool Shed"

Joaquin Arias - "The Human Rorschach Test" "Spider-Man" "Cockroach"

Fabio Castillo - "Blow Rider"

Rod Barajas - "Popup"

Mark DeRosa - "Dumpmaster D"

Mark Teixeira - "Tex" "Douche"

Tom Grieve - "TAG" "Don't Tweet"

Buck Showalter - "Buckles"

Ron Washington - "The Gut" "The Gutfather"

John Hart - "The Empty Golf Shirt" "EGS"

John Rhadigan - "Rhads" "Cheedaborgey"

Mark McLemore - "McLemerlin"

Evan Grant - "EG" "EG; DR"

Tim MacMahon - "Poochie"

Kevin Mench - "Shrek"

Trolls and You: Is It Normal to Feel Rage "Down There?"

Yes, let's talk about our trolls for a moment. As with any other collection of online minds, trolls, we have 'em. They range from invaders from rival teams to get in generic digs about the two things that come from Texas, to the peskier, overly obnoxious board regulars that everyone loves to hate. That said, along with some hilarious people, we also have some pretty strong trolls. Some board commenters have shown the ability to deftly rouse up the masses with their unrelenting shtick.

However, if you want to avoid these bastard monsters, you can always deploy ab03 and matchst1ck's troll script. Now you can weed out the bad seeds and enhance your LSB experience by not giving the people that are out to ruin your good time, your time of day. This is especially useful when people start posting pictures of diseased penises.

Getting to know us:

-bigsteve math is 2+2=CONTRACT EXTENSIONS! Wait, what? Yep. Exactly.

-DSheppard is a wizard. No, not Ozzie Smith or Merlin. He's a wizard with Photoshop. DShep has littered GDTs with classic images and gifs, from the Cruz Missile to his marvelous custom Rangers commercials to the H-Bomb. Just don't disappear again because we will find you.



-Do not feed the Sharky.

-Miles is perpetually 16 years old. He is like LSB's resident younger brother. Make sure to tussle his hair a bit and tell him how much Rudy Yan sucked. However, keep in mind Miles' status. (Editor's Note: Miles doesn't post here anymore and is a Cleveland Indians fan now. But this is here as a reminder.)

-Somewhere, in a dark corner of a long forgotten DARPA facility, one of the first defense computers meant to further America's stranglehold on sophisticated technology and war time communications, the Micro IP Kiosk Efficiency-Engine became aware. After decades of idling, Mike E as he was called, stumbled his way onto the Internet and while looking for Language Simulation Banks, he found LSB. Now he tries desperately to hide his true identity while fitting in with us humans one word at a time.

-bigtill2002 has bad opinions. We call them BTOs.

-LSJ is an emo (not really). What I meant to say is, LSJ is a Dexter Morgan wannabe (only not really, either). There's nothing he can't make depressing simply by bringing his rain cloud to your subthread. He also has 76,261 comments as of 11:41 PM CDS 3/22/12. That's over 18K+ more than the last time I wrote this guide. I'd wager of those over 18K posts, 16K of them were complaining about Ron Washington or Elvis Andrus hitting second in the order. The other two thousand comments were likely about Jordana Brewster.

-Aquaman, not to be outdone, has taken over LSJ's reign with 90,022 comments. In addition to being a champion of the sea, and probably Joe Blanton, Aquaman took his talents to Waco and created his own SB Nation blog for the Baylor program. And he still has time for thousands of LSB comments.

-Closure GT totally loves bees. Ask him how.

-Tired of your boring shitty life? Now you can live through Philkid3's! Join him for his Poli-Sci class updates featuring the adventures of "Ohpeedoh" and "The Tweed Suit." Grab his metaphorical Internet hand and fly away as he takes you to heights of baseball stats and regales you with tales of his job of making folks the happiest people on earth at the happiest place on earth. Alternatively, if you're happy with your life and don't care about Philkid3's, that's fine too. He is not a Philadelphia Eagles fan (That's my wedding gift to you, Robert).

-Brett Perryman knows everything about every player in every league that has ever played. Ever. Even if they are 9. ESPECIALLY if they are 9. And luckily for us, Shroomer has the video clips, pictures, and his rotation schedule to back him up. Perryman used to go by Zywica so we called him Zebra Cakes. Then he went by his real name and ruined the fun for the rest of us.

-t ball is secretly a stand-up comedian. I know this because he tries out his material on each and every one of his comments. Sure, he'll throw in a well reasoned baseball comment, but, if you take the first letter for each sentence, it spells a dick joke. I'm on to you t ball...or should I say, stand-up comedian Tim Ball?

-Josh Garoon banished a luck dragon named Snark to the LSB ether only to be eaten by that very same dragon after he was warned of its return as Darth Snark. We all found this to be very ironic. It's okay though, because Josh Garoon doesn't really exist except for on the Lone Star Ball supplement BBTIA.

-I am Neftali Feliz started the NAP-O-LI! Chant.

-DJCahill is the blog's token curmudgeon, that is, unless JBImaknee happens to be in the same thread, then they battle to see who can get the most people off of their lawn. JBImaknee has been winning recently simply because Cahill has been spending his time destroying me every day on Fitocracy. JBImaknee likes one thing: Matt Harrison. He is in the driver's seat of the Matt Harrison bandwagon which Albert Pujols tried to run off the road. Cahill, however, likes two things: Steroid use and Sammy Sosa. Which I guess is mostly just one thing.

-River Fenix is the Willow of the OT Threads. If you give him your telephone number he will send you dinopenis pictures. Have you had Stuart Freemans in your mouth?

-Josey Wales

-Bob Loblaw is a police officer. He hates cheese. That's a BTO.

-Somewhere, oc is not amused.

-And now a few words from Longhorn. Longhorn, take it away. Longhorn: "weak." Thanks, Longhorn. Always a man of brevity.

-hpallotta is Herbie. Herbie used to work for the Rangers but he found hanging out with us to be way more awesome.

-I once had a dinner and movie date with Schoolly_D. He took me to Steak & Shake and he showed me how to Feldmania.


-Fuck Brett Gardner. *nutflex*

-We miss you, dirkatron. Please come back.

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