Monday Morning Texas Rangers Update

Nearly as scary as Calvin Johnson - Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

The number one source for all your at-least-they're-not-the-Cowboys affirmations

St. Louis lost a World Series game when Koji Uehara tossed a ball to Mike Napoli to pick off a Cardinal. It's been over a month since Lance Berkman last took an at-bat. The Cowboys found a new and entertaining way to keep Jon Daniels out of the DFW limelight after he sent legendary Texans to their nursing homes. We were so close to a perfect day.

RIP Lou

Barry Horn writes that the era of Emily Jones leaving Rangers Captain's severed head in Yorvit Torrealba's bed or Darren O'Day seeing how many times he can slip "meow" into a conversation are over because Jones is moving on from Fox Sports Southwest.

Lastly, we've probably missed a golden opportunity to stage a LSB get-together at the Rangers Ballpark Flashlight Fright ballpark tour.

Find out what lurks under the ballpark after dark in our special night-time tour of the ballpark led completely by flashlights.

Or, as I'm currently imagining it...

  • Shield your ears as Nolan Ryan READS FIFTY SHADES OF GREY while nasally inserting Texas colloquialisms into the steamiest sex parts!!
  • Tremble as Neftali Feliz drips sweat on you and grunts out: "DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO?!" as he remembers that today is leg day!!
  • Gasp as Lance Berkman gingerly dips his 78-year-old CRIPPLED NAKED BODY into an ice bath!!
  • Don't get lost for fear you stumble on Steve Busby's BARCALOUNGER OF "WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE" LAP STORIES!!
  • Can you withstand Jackie Moore's DECREPIT HUGS OF ACRID INTENT?!
  • Steel yourself as you're forced to watch Gerry Fraley HUNGRILY POUND out a story about Yu Darvish's acehood!!
  • Gaze at the MYSTERY JAR OF THE BULLPEN!! What could it hold inside?! Is it an alien baby or is it...Alexi Ogando's face goiter?!
  • Sit close by the outfield campfire as zombie Hank Blalock returns to tell the tale of...THE CURSE OF RUBEN MATEO'S FEMUR!!
  • You can't look but you can't turn away from Derek Holland's 45-MINUTE INTERVIEW WITH JOE BUCK where he's forced to speak only in a Jeff Goldblum impersonation!!
  • Step into the HALL OF GAME 6!!
  • Stand in horror in front of the Adrian Beltre RETIREMENT PRESS CONFERENCE MIRROR OF MELANCHOLIA!!
  • What's that lurking behind Jon Daniels' HOT STOVE WHITEBOARD DIAGRAM FOR SAVING MONEY AND STANDING PAT?!
  • See Ron Washington's ghoulish WALL OF BUNT BLACKMAIL PHOTOS and Camel Cash paraphernalia!!

Flashlight Fright will include a trip to the bullpen, a walk around the warning track, and a few extra things that might "pop" up.

So, I mean, at least we know Ian Kinsler will be there.

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