*UPDATED: Now with poll!*

[Prefatory note: Big thanks to JediLeroy, who lent his kreepy Photoshop skilz to the illustrations, and to FreeSeatUpgrade, who inspired me to do this with his latest installment of Peanutball.]

Chavvy and the Athletic Factory

Chapter One: "I've Got a Green and Gold Contract"

Over a SICKENING MONTAGE OF OUT-MAKING—T-Long and Melhuse taking called third strikes, Jeremy’s Jetered jeté, Tejada and Byrnes Knoblauching their way into infamy, Big Hurt popping out against the Tigers—the opening credits roll:

CHAVVY AND THE ATHLETIC FACTORY

Directed by Billy Beane. Written by Billy Beane. From the novel by Billy Beane. Produced by Lew Wolff. Edited by David Forst. A Crywolffisher Production.

We hear the TOLLING OF A BELL. Fade up on a CLOCK TOWER striking four o’clock:

[Click on the jump for the rest of the Cinematic Interlude.]

Poll

Wonka meets American Idol time: regardless of the narrative of the original book or movie, which of the little brats should be dispatched first in next week's chapter? I'll off whomever the poll tells me to first.

• Giambus Gloop
• Verukot Say
• Leftyvet Barrygarde
• Rich Dee Ell

  121 votes | Results

Continue reading this post »

Switching gears for a moment from all the acquisitiveness lately ... we've all been arguing about what Billy should do by way of roster additions (or deaccessions) this offseason; I got to wondering about the things that he shouldn't do--and whether some of those might be some of the very moves that some folks are arguing in favor of.

Personally, I think over-committing guaranteed money to a known high injury risk (Furcal) in addition to Chavez should be on Billy's "to-don't" list. I think it would be setting us up for a couple more seasons with Hannahan and Petit/Pennington starting on the left side of the infield (which I'm not opposed to per se) while throwing away money that could otherwise have been used to acquire a bat or arm. But that's just me.

And while I'm in favor of signing Dunn, Manny, or Teixeira, some folks would say that over-committing a ton of money to a slugger who's likely to be declining (possibly dramatically) after 2 or 3 years would be a cardinal sin given the team's current situation.

Then, of course, there's the option of doing nothing at all (mitigated somewhat by the Holliday acquisition), which I think we all agree shouldn't be on the table.

(And I'm excluding the ludicrous/improbable/vomit-and-aneurysm-inducing option of "Overpay for an elite free agent closer.")

So what do y'all think? What's the one thing Billy should definitely not do this offseason?

Poll

What's the one thing Billy should definitely NOT do this offseason?

11%

Sign a major injury risk (Furcal)

182 votes

13%

Sign a really expensive batter who will likely decline after a couple years (Dunn/Manny/Teixeira)

207 votes

9%

Sign a washed-up old pitcher (Unit/Maddux)

151 votes

12%

Sign a non-washed-up-but-requiring-too-large-a-commitment pitcher (Lowe/CC)

188 votes

20%

Stand pat

304 votes

23%

Keep Crosby

352 votes

8%

Continue to withhold FREE KRAUT in '09

134 votes

1518 votes | Poll has closed

[Original lyrics here.]

[Full Poetic Interlude after the jump.]

Holliday in Alameda

So you hit in Coors
For a year or two
And you know how to work four balls
In mile-high air
Hitting yours go far
Bay East your type Beane don't call

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Here's the thing about minor-league free agents: if you've heard of any particular MiLFA (some terms just shouldn't be acronymized) minor-league free agent, odds are he's a washed-up marginal major-leaguer who can't bring himself to concede that his glory days are over. Or, occasionally, a highly-touted prospect who flamed out (or rusted) early.

And, hey, who can blame 'em? We all like to think there's that late-in-life shot we have to finally make it big, in whatever field of endeavor. And this forced obsolescence comes earlier in life for professional athletes than it does for other folks. It's hard to face career mortality at age 30.

What's more, it's a really thin line (a semi-permeable membrane, sometimes) separating steady employment at the left-most edge of the MLB talent curve from the self-delusion of AAAA status. All of these guys are in the top percentile of baseball players in the world (or at least in the Western Hemisphere). The absolute difference in talent at this level doesn't add up to a whole lot.

In any event, those are the thoughts running through my head as I peruse this list.

Now, obviously, someone like grover or PT or devo or David Forst is going to be able to glance at this pile of poo and pick out the few undigested kernels of corn. But a primate like myself, all I see is the human waste.

He's Still Alive?!?

Pokey Reese, Eric Milton, Ben Broussard, Jeff Weaver, John Halama, Morgan Ensberg, Todd Linden

One-Hit Wonder

Bret Batflip Boone

Hey, Didn't We ...

Brant Colamarino, Kiko Calero, John Wasdin, Ron Flores D’Angelo Jimenez, Mike Rouse, Ruddy Lugo, Marcus McBeth, Keith Ginter

Wait: Who? Aw, Darn.

Rob Cosby

 

This has been your "There but for the grace of God ..." public-service post for the offseason. Count your blessings, folks. Now is the Ginter of our discount tent.

Well, damn. With all the rain today, a lot of my favorite vendors weren't at the market this morning. I had a whole list of stuff I was looking for: locally-grown green pitchers, a free-range shortstop, a brace of hot corners ... 'course, there's limits to being a committed locavore. Some things you just can't grow or manufacture in these parts. So I had been thinking about going on-line to order the industrial-strength bats; I kind of don't care where they're made or how much they cost, because ... well, some things you can only take bargain-hunting and self-imposed ethical limitations just so far. So what's on your off-season shopping list?

 

It Takes a Parking Lot With a Mayor To Laugh, It Takes a Trade To Cry

Well, I ride on a BART train, baby,
Make at least three mill.
Well, I've been up all night, baby,
Warmin' up on the bullpen hill.
Well, if high flies
Are hit off of my pill
And if I don't save it,
You know that Ziggy will.

[Original lyrics here.]

[Full Poetic Interlude after the jump.]

 

Poll

Will Huston Street be traded this off-season?

85%

Yes

371 votes

14%

No

65 votes

436 votes | Poll has closed

Continue reading this post »

Noon Pacific Time press conference scheduled by the Brewers to announce the hiring of former A's manager Ken Macha as the new Milwaukee skipper:

they will name Macha, 58, as the 16th skipper in club history.

I had forgotten (or never known) about this:

Macha passed on the Brewers' offer in October 2002 to remain in Oakland

Congrats to Ken for rejoining the ranks of the MLB managerial brotherhood. Here's hoping he never has to pull a Milton on CC.

How many balls have hit the catwalks?

Keeeeeeeep on threadin'.