A User's Guide to Lone Star Ball '13 - How to Survive Your First Day on LSB

Lone Star Ball - jls4Rangers

So you want to join the Lone Star Ball community...

Welcome fan of sport and baseball in particular. My name is Christopher Fittz but you'll come to know me as ghostofErikThompson because that is my username. If you've personally bought me Cadbury Mini Eggs, you can call me goET. We're just days away from a fresh season of Texas Rangers baseball and you are on this webpage so that means you've made the bold decision to hang out with the most rad bunch of Rangers fans this side of the Usenet Internet discussion system.

If you've been here a while, you're probably in the best posting shape of your life and just ready for the real GDTs to get underway. You've paid your dues, fielded morning link post grounders, and have become a pic-postin' machine. But as in baseball, much like in life, there are always things to learn and improve on. Think of this guide as your yearly LSB veteran Pitchers' Fielding Practice.

If, however, you're a brand new prospect in the LSB farm system looking to make your debut, well, like Matt Harrison to Nick Tepesch, you're going to need a guide. And that's why this post exists. Let me be the Jeff Baker to your Leury Garcia or the Tom Emanski to your that one kid who could one-hop a ball into that bucket at home plate from center field. If you'd like to picture me now as MLB Super Star Fred McGriff, we'll be on our way to back-to-back-to-back blog championships in no time.

Let's get some fun facts out of the way: Proudly, Lone Star Ball is one of the most populated sites on the SB Nation platform. We continue to see the user base grow to near Ballpark in Arlington levels (Note: Relatively) and consistently outrank many of the other, lesser, baseball sites in comments, fanposts, page views, usages of the word "penis," argumentative lawyers, and fun. In short, we're pretty great.

I was sure Crops on the Farm was the wave of our future, but this community continues to thrive and there's no better time than right now for those of you merely dippin' toes to jump right in and join us. If you're still on the fence, just remember that it's entirely possible for Temple curator and Rangers' legend Chuck Morgan to stop by and personally thank you.

While it may seem intimidating to put yourself out there among a large, tight-knit community of amusing, savvy, sexually attractive, and boisterous individuals, it's perhaps most important to remember that we're Texas Rangers fans first and opinionated know-it-alls on the Internet second. Unbelievable to even me, this year brings us Guide Volume VI. Join me in this hallowed screed to our enthusiasm and you - yes you - can be on your way to becoming a part of the weird forklift-rescuing realm of Lone Star Ball.


A note: Please comment with anything that I missed. That probably includes much of what goes on in the OT Threads. If I include something you've created but forget to credit your work, please make sure to note it and I'll give you your due.

Much like the Rangers' front office these days, the Lone Star Ball newsroom is filled with alpha personalities who are cutthroat in their lust for total and indiscriminate power. The figureheads straight from the Masthead:

  • Manager - Adam J. Morris (A.K.A. Meno71, Meno, AJM, von Marriage Smasher) - Adam J. Morris is a Rangers fan and divorce lawyer from Houston who has managed this website since its inception in 2005. Here is everything you really need to know:Qgogeqg_medium

Please be sure to ask him about jarring.

  • Editor - Benmor78 (A.K.A. Benjamin Morris, Adam's Brother) - Ben is now known as the premiere Morning Links author when once he was known as Adam's brother. It can't be about baseball all of the time, right? So, in between curmudgeonly Gerry Fraley blog posts or a T.R. Sullivan Notebook, you might see Ben leave you with something on J.R.R. Tolkien or the IDF. He will not drop you off at the Ballpark gate but he will tell you why college was a waste of your time.
  • Editor - Me, ghostofErikThompson (A.K.A. Fittz, goat, goET) - I stalked Knox.
  • Editor - Brad (A.K.A. Matchst1ck, Stick, Bradstick Bradsheets) - Brad's rise here can only be described as Profar-esque. Frankly, with his extraordinary memory of everything Lone Star Ball, even in his relatively young career, he should be the one doing these Guides at this point. Instead, he's busy collecting data in a spreadsheet to perfectly illustrate exactly why things are going to be OK. You could say he excels at it.
  • Minor League Columnist - Tepid Participation (A.K.A. Tepid P) - Tepid came aboard over from Texas Farm Review just as the baseball season ended last October and saved us from having to think about the season by writing pants-gladdening things about the Rangers' minor league system. It could be said that he was the best pick-up made within the Ranger universe this offseason. Also, Tepid loves ya!
  • Moderator - Ryin A (A.K.A. Ryan) - Ryan once let me hug him while dressed as a Deviled Egg. Because he's exceptionally nice, he probably won't moderate you unless you're an Angels fan. He will ban you if your username is scoop16. His username was Cecilio's Guante for a winter. It was weird.

History and the Community:

  • The longest tenured users who participate on the site are those who escaped with Adam from when he was known as Meno71 at the ESPN boards. These users are referred to as the ESPN Boardies. If you understand why Jeffrey Loria is the Black Angel of Death, you can count yourself among them.
  • A small contingent of current users made their way over from Adam's old Blogspot blog which paved the way for Lone Star Ball. Adam started the blog in 2003 when the ESPN Board became untenable when a cancerous entity known as Wufdog wiped out the majority of discussion. A fellow ESPN Board user, but Seattle Mariner fan by the name of Jeff Sullivan, recommended Adam to what was then called SportsBLOGS and soon became SB Nation. And the rest, as they often say, is prehistoric phallic history.
  • Most of the active, vocal members of the community are made up of the seasoned veterans. That includes those of you who joined after finding the site somehow over the last six or seven years. These users include old Newberg Report forum expats and those whom searched for "kari byron + boobs". There's a shocking number of people who find this website after searching for "kari byron + boobs".
  • Then there are the lurkers. Lurking isn't a bad thing at all. In fact, lurking is probably the No. 1 best thing you can do if you're thinking about joining the active commenting community. It's never a bad idea to read the comments a little, size up the local denizens, and take the temperature of the site. If you read this Guide and decide to jump in, then welcome aboard. If, however, you read this Guide and merely shake your head in bewilderment, we might have to burn one of your options while you season some more in the shadows.
  • If you do join the comment section, you've just attained rookie status. Congratulations! The Lone Star Ball scouting department had a rough '12; so make use of this Guide, Class of 2013. You don't want to get hazed and you surely want to make the effort to avoid becoming the new Worst Rookie Class Ever. (unlikelyfanatic was a J2 signing.)

Things to know about Lone Star Ball-

The Angry Dome:


Let's say the Rangers fail to make a $13 million dollar qualifying offer to a catcher who hit .227 and has a degenerative hip condition called avascular necrosis. Perhaps to any normal human being, this doesn't even register as an event worth wondering about. The same cannot be said about a user at Lone Star Ball. If it can be argued, it will be. If it can be debated, it will be. If it can be worried over, anguished about or doubted, hashed, rehashed, or allowed to overreact about, bickered, refuted, or rebutted, presupposed, surmised or assumed, it will be. Loudly. If you aren't prepared to defend your every opinion until your last dying breath, this might not be the place for you.

When the Rangers win, we say:

When the Rangers win, we say:

Ballgame! Hello Win Column! Or Yay! (Note: We do not say anything that includes the word "'Gers!")

The "Hi, I'm new here..." Post:

You're new here. You want to make a grand introduction. That seems understandable enough. The problem is, we've seen it a million times. You bust out with an awkward, poorly formatted, bereft of content, long-winded FanPost that is immediately mocked and scorned. You have two choices, new poster, go the path of least resistance and apologize for your newness, promise to learn the ropes, and grow and mature as you become a valued poster here at Lone Star Ball.

There is always option two. You strike back in defensive mode while explaining that it is everyone else who just doesn't understand your genius. This way leads to an end you will not like. Do not do it. It cannot be stated enough that your first few opinions will more than likely be derided. That's just the way the Angrydome go. But do not let that deter you, new poster. Odds are your trade proposal WAS terrible and if you stick around past your baptism by fire, you'll come to realize your niche and be a better fan and regular around here in no time.

Picking the Perfect Username:

Remember, you're going to have to live with this name for the rest of your Lone Star Ball life. (Unless you're Aqua and request name changes every other month.)

Bad: Anything with two or more numbers at the end of it. That's just telling us up front that you're going to cite ERA and RBI when evaluating players. The more numbers, the more likely you'll be to mention your high school playing days as to why your argument is sound.

Generic: Of the thousands of users on this website, at least 87% of them have some variation of Texas or Rangers in their name.

Good: TexgersDoubleInteger

Pun: Yusername

The Rules and Regulations:

Rules? On my LSB? Ha Ha!

But seriously, there really aren't that many rules here. There's a fairly long history of relatively lax moderation and you can pretty much get away with murder. Why is that? Well, you're a sports fan and we moderators know that along with being a sports fan, you're probably also a bit insane. That's not a slight. We're sports fans too. We're a little insane. So with that sports-insanity there is passion. We understand that this means sometimes you will be passionate. We're not here to stop you from being you and we realize that sometimes it's just better to let folks get it out of their system. Plus, frankly, not being handcuffed by a litany of rules is part of what has made LSB, LSB.

With that said, here are a few things to keep in mind:

  • Please refrain from personal attacks with fellow users. We're all Rangers fans here. If it's an Angels fan, you're encouraged to attack them with impunity. (Not really. We'll probably just ban them.)
  • Even if you feel like you're just joking, please keep racial or homophobic epithets out of your comments.
  • Common sense dictates that comments shouldn't include images with nudity or links to porn (I'm looking at you, Loblaw) or other offensive material.
  • Risqué photos are sort of a thing that happens in Game Day Threads but please keep in mind that most of us work during the day so keep the cheesecake off front page posts.
  • If you do want to post an image in your comment, by all means. However, please use a subject line for your comment. Doing so allows each individual user the option of closing the body of your post, and therefore hiding the image, should they choose. Additionally, you should aim to keep your image at a reasonable size. Large photos or gifs are subject to be deleted. A good rule of thumb when posting images is to always use the preview comment feature to see what your image will look like in the thread.
  • No Katy Perry.
  • If you're sent a warning or banned, your transgression will be explained (unless Ryin A is drunk and randomly bans Adam again) in the pop-up notice the next time you visit the site. If your comment or image is deleted from the thread, there was a reason behind it. That reason wasn't personal. If you feel you've been unfairly moderated, you can always email us at our addresses in the Masthead.
  • And by God, whatever you do, don't post .gifs of animals being eaten, abused, or beaten up. Have you no shame, sirs and madams?

Trolls and You: Is It Normal to Feel Rage "Down There?"

Yes, let's talk about trolls for a moment. If you feel inspired to troll LSB, just stahp. You may think that it is hilarious to poke the Angrydome nest and stir up the buttmad, but, ultimately, we've seen a lot worse than you. That said, if you haven't already guessed it, having a thick skin will serve you well here. If you do feel like you're being aggressively trolled, just send one of the moderators an email or flag the offending posts. Otherwise, the majority of the time, people are just having a laugh.

As far as trolling other sites: Don't. That will get you banned there and potentially here as well. The reason we discourage trolling other sites is simply because it is stupid, pointless, and people at the site you've trolled take it as an open invitation to come troll Lone Star Ball. No one wants to clean up after your mess.

Prepare yourself for battle and come forth not lightly shall you choose to participate in the Game Day Thread:

It takes a certain breed of LSBer to survive the Game Day Thread. [WTF MORELAND?! HOW CAN YOU FUCKING SWING AT THAT?! DFA HIS ASS!] Look, it's no secret. We all love the Texas Rangers. We live or die by every pitch. Every game is a must win. [WASH IS BRINGING IN TANNER FUCKING SCHEPPERS?! FUCK YOU WASH! GAME OVER.] Imagine that fire and passion that you display at home or at the game. Now imagine it with the anonymity of the Internet. [THROW A FUCKING STRIKE, YOU ASSHOLE!!!] It is fast and it is not for the faint of heart...andOMG!!!!!OMG! HOLY FUCK CRUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!1 NO WAY! BALLGAME!!!!!!!!!


(This is iorange555)

Beware the Second Game Day Thread:

Maybe it's because by the time the second GDT has been posted the day's starter is now venturing into his second or third time through the order. Maybe it's because you touch yourself at night. But probably it is because the second Game Day Thread is cursed. This is no longer a small sample of data. We're going off of half a decade of GDT2 misery. Pray we go one or three deep but never two. If it is a tight game and we are still in GDT2, it's over and it's YOUR fault. Comment more to avoid the GDT2 Beast. It hungers for blown saves, failed rallies and LSBer tears.

The OT Thread:

If blind rage and unbridled enthusiasm are not your thing, perhaps you'd like to try our wildly popular Off Topic threads...for blind rage and unbridled enthusiasm for dick jokes instead of baseball. Born out of frustration and boredom during an offseason--where every thread had become something like a chatroom--the OT threads are put up daily (sometimes as many as three or four a day) to give you a place to share anything that comes to mind that you want to share with Lone Star Ball. Perhaps one day, even bodily fluids.

A further sense of camaraderie has been forged and the OT Threads have become a place within a place to hang out with people who have already seen each other dunk. Of course, if you don't want to visit the OT thread and want to share anything with Lone Star Ball, in any other thread, you're welcome to still do that but we just might ignore you or tell you to go to the OT Thread.

College Football Threads:

It's like regular LSB but people actually die. In the immortal words of noted college football enthusiast Jerry Seinfeld, "Good luck with all that."

The Reply Button is Your Friend:


To those of you who are new, please remember, the Reply button is your friend. If you follow this, chances are, we won't even notice that this is your third comment ever. Well, unless it is about a Derek Holland for Jun Pierre trade proposal. If you don't use the reply function when replying, you will be mocked and possibly even yelled at.

Athletes are Douches:

If you have a favorite player on the Texas Rangers, chances are, unless he is Elvis Andrus, we'll call him a very bad name or say he is terrible at his job from time to time. We're all rooting for laundry, folks; let's not take it personal. For example, I feel pretty good about the opinion that A.J. Pierzynski can be a bit of a prick. (Disclaimer: Please do not ever make fun of, call names, or deride Adrian Beltre, Yoshinori Tateyama, or Nick Williams. These men are infallible.)


Don't look now, but the Rangers have rivals.

From 2002 until the 2009 season, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim won the A.L. West five times and won a World Series. Since then, the Rangers have wrestled the West from the Angels and became the first team to win consecutive American League Pennants since the New York Yankee dynasty of the late '90s. The Angels decided to strike back by signing the best hitter of this generation in Albert Pujols, the Rangers' 2011 staff ace in C.J. Wilson last offseason, and now the Rangers' Mickey Mantle in Josh Hamilton this season. Now it's Angel fans who cringe at Wilson's Twitter antics and will soon be making excuses for Hamilton's esoteric maladies while Ranger fans boo two of their former best. All of this is to say, DON'T GO TO HALOS HEAVEN. Seriously, don't go there.

With the Rangers and Angels making headlines the past few seasons as the future of baseball rivalries, it was the Oakland A's who magic'd their way to the division crown in 2012. With the advantage of hindsight, it almost seems like it was destined to end with some team other than the Rangers and Angels atop the West division. The A's completed their improbable run by sweeping the Rangers in the final series at home. That kind of thing breeds a rivalry. I know I personally like the A's a lot less having seen their team celebrate twice against the Rangers in October last season. Athletics Nation is about as innocuous as blogs come and I respect that about them.

The Mariners are the Mariners. We'll worry about them when they're good again. Lookout Landing used to be one of the best sites on SB Nation as far as content went while having one of the most bizarre and authoritarian comment sections. However, the entire editorial staff has changed in the last few weeks so who knows what Lookout Landing 2.0 will be. For now, however, it is safe to read.

The Astros have joined the West this season and, since they're a team that plays in Houston, the Rangers are supposed to be natural rivals with them. However, until the Astros beat the Rangers for something more meaningful than the Silver Boot (and by golly, the Silver Boot meant everything), they'll just be a bad team that currently equates to some free wins. I don't know much about Crawfish Boxes other than they have a neat site name and I once saw someone over there say that the members of Lone Star Ball don't really follow their minor league system.

Community Rankings:

Every winter, and then at mid-season, we hold the Dirkatron Memorial Prospect Rankings as a community. Lone Star Ball user vfn took on the project when dirk went off and joined a monastery. Brad is working on our community projections so we can rank how prophetic we are. Philkid3 likes to do a LSB Community All-Time Greatest Rangers Ranking every now and then. Needless to say, we like to rank things. That way, the people we made fun of for highly ranking Robbie Ross get to have their revenge. Heck, maybe Adam will even return to ranking his Top 50 Greatest Rangers before his son is eligible for the list.

The Basketball Mafia:

Hidden among you, baseball fans are fans of the game of hoops and they will have you whacked if you aren't careful. I like to imagine their official theme song is Roundball Rock and their secret handshake involves sign language signing Detlef Schrempf's name but they won't let me in because I started liking the Warriors. They also suspiciously like every form of fantasy sport to the point that I worry about their blurred sense of reality.

The 40 Trumps All "We Miss Dirk" Section:

Wish the Rangers would bring up Brandon Allen because you're tired of Lance Berkman's knees being more swollen than our offseason Justin Upton dreams? Tough luck, Allen is not on the 40 man roster and the 40 Trumps All! Think we should DFA Derek Lowe because he allowed six runs in five innings of long relief in a game that was already a lost cause? Oh well! The 40 Trumps All! Besides, that's silly. That's what long relievers do. Stop being silly.

RIP thedirkatron... You're punting babies in heaven now. (P.S. Please come back, dirk.)

Matt Harrison Read a Book:


(h/t TheBestMicah)

Then he became an All-Star starting pitcher. Then he became LSB's Cap'n O.G. Readmore. With any luck, he's going to teach Nick Tepesch how to read.

The Spanish Beltre Thread:

Never forget.

Beware of Small Sample Sizes:

Brandon Boggs was hitting like .600 his first week and a half in the big leagues. He even had his mom booing at umps for calling her baby boy out. The nerve! This is Brandon Freakin' Boggs! And then, he went 1 for his next 30 something ABs. And suddenly, his mom was booing him. (Probably.) You know why? Because Beware of Small Sample Sizes, that's why.

Elvis Andrus Riding An Elephant!


Nothing else need be said. (Except, sadly, this may not be relevant for too much longer. ;_;)

The Inbox Impulse:

It is customary, when TR Sullivan is preparing for an Inbox entry, to ponder things such as:

  • "Will the Rangers move Ian Kinsler to first base if Jurickson Profar rakes in Triple-A?"
  • "How much would it cost for the Rangers to install a roof on the Ballpark? I think they should look into that. It's hot outside in July and I think the team would benefit from a roof."
  • "What's Matt Whiteside up to these days?"
  • "Could we get Clayton Kershaw for Mike Olt? The Dodgers need a third basemen and we already have Beltre at third. Plus, Kershaw will be a free agent soon. I think it works out for both teams!"
  • "Why would you trade pitching for hitting?! When are we going to get some pitching up in here?!"

Don't worry about these impulses. They're normal. Just don't talk about them with anyone else.


We're a good 7,500 person strong on this site. So, be prepared to have 7,500 people give their 5,000 word thesis on why holding onto prospects instead of trading for James Shields was a good idea. We write a lot. There really isn't a topic that we can't drive into the ground faster than Josh Hamilton's last shreds of his goodwill in Texas after trying to classify Dallas' level of baseball fandom.

Be it about which of Craig Gentry or Leonys Martin should get the majority of at-bats in center, or (inexplicably) pages and pages of comments about baseball scouting scale rankings of body parts. We've likely discussed it. This isn't much different than when you shoot the shit with your pals at a bar. However, since this is the Internet, we can call you a moron without fear of getting punched in the face. So, join in, give your opinion, but just realize, we might have already moved on to the next 500 comment minor procedural move thread.

How to Make .Gifs:

Maybe you've seen those wacky images on the Internet where it's like a movie without sound but it loops over and over. Those are called Graphics Interchange Format images, or .gif, and you will see them on this website quite frequently because they are awesome. However, what if you yourself want to make .gifs of your own? Well, you're in luck. I happen to have made a tutorial on how to make .gifs this past fall. So, with little effort, you could be on your way to making fine .gifs such as this one:


Just remember, with great .gifs come great responsibility.

Baseball Announcers:

Here is what we think of some of announcers around the league (opinions may vary):

  • Eric Nadel: The voice of our existence.
  • Josh Lewin: We miss you, boo.
  • Tom Grieve: Soog1ik_medium

Stats and You:

Baseball stats are a good thing. Advanced baseball stats are an even better thing. Learning baseball stats and their proper use is perhaps the best of things. I promise you that if you find out how to properly use WAR, BABIP, wOBA, or UZR in your scathing comments about why giving Michael Bourn $48 million dollars would have been a bad idea, we won't just assume that you live in your parent's basement. I mean, do we look like we're Murray Chass? I rather hope not.

In fact, some of us, in addition to having jobs and our own place to live, even actually have had intercourse with members the opposite sex (Schultzy excluded) (fact not sourced), despite what you may have heard about the sabermetrically inclined. I mean, Adam has proof he's done it at least twice! Sure, we're not a community of stat-suckling self-congratulators like Mariner fans, but we're not a bunch of team chemistry, luck-lovin', allergic to numbers Angel fans, either.

Learn how to use stats to enhance your argument because someone is going to challenge you to back up your wild opinions. Sometimes that person is FirebatM3 and you won't make it out alive.

Yearly Knox Stalk Update:



Knox status: Stalked.

Chili Wars:

Do you eat chili? I'll assume that you do. Do you have an opinion on what is better: chili with beans or chili without beans? You do. Don't lie. Whether you like "spicy meat water" or "stew," to be a member of Lone Star Ball you are required to make a choice. Beans or no beans? Seal your fate. (The answer is beans, by the way.)

The Mike Olt Meme:

Mike Olt appreciates being included in the User Guide but he thinks this space would be better served to talk about the work Joe Ortiz has been putting in this spring.

Double Play Dinosaur:

So, you’ve got a runner on first, less than two outs, and a lead that is vanishing faster than Julio Borbon's self-worth. What do you do? Herald the call for the Double Play Dinosaur, of course. This dino is something even Carl Everett can believe in.


Result: Instant Double Play.

Rally <Noun>:

In 2008, it was the Rally Turtle. Deep in the hearts of the Texas Rangers Ball Club resides an Aesop's Fable-esque desire to win the race, not lead in laps. Down one run, two, SEVEN? Fear not. We had Turtle Power on our side.


In 2009, we had the Rally Taco. A come from behind victory will never be as savory. The Rally Taco was the crispy, crunchy shell of patience. The will of moist, seasoned beef. The gooey richness of our ability to stick together through the tough battles. The Rally Taco always left us with a satisfied feeling of victory.


In 2010, we did it up Not-Safe-Work style with Rally [Insert Hot Lady]. Be it Claudia, Salma, or Gina, these ladies never let us down. Physiologically.

In 2011, Maximilian brought us Rally Kreayshawn.


Either through White Girl Mob swag magic, or the power of disdain from everyone else in the thread, somehow Rally Kreayshawn always worked and the Rangers pumped rallies out their ovaries all the way to the World Series.


In 2012, we shunned the efforts of more modern ladies and brought back the classic beauties. Rally Cybill was rallying the troops toward victory all throughout the summer. Curiously, however, the lady vanished in early October. A true Heartbreak Kid.

What will we rally around in 2013? Only the baseball gods know for sure but I'm throwing Rally RIP T-Dog in the ring:



Scott Feldman - "Feldman...From Across the Hall" "The Swan" "Scooter" "Feldmania"

Colby Lewis - "Cobra" "Colbyashi"

Darren Oliver - "DO" "Grandpa" (NEVER FORGET Jerkoff_medium)

Mike Napoli - "Naps" "NAP-O-LI!"

Darren O'Day - "Kason Gabbard" "O'DAY O'DAY O'DAY O'DAY, O'DAY O'DAY" (A forever favorite)

Pedro Strop - "The Audacity of Strop"

Matt Harrison - "Cap'n O.G. Readmore" "Bucky O’Harrison" "Harry"

Tommy Hunter - "Big Game"

Derek Holland - "Dutchstache" "Dutch" "Der-Hol" "Dutch Oven" "Chicken Butt"

Neftali Feliz - "Neftali Perez" "Happy" "Happy Happy" "Neffy" "Cheddar"

Wilmer Font - "Wingdings"

Joakim Soria - "Mexicutioner"

Joe Nathan - "Proud Dad"

Mike Adams - "Dat Mike Adams" "MYCADAMS"

Alexi Ogando - "Easter Island" "Ogandeal with it"

Yoshinori Tateyama - "Yoshimania" "Yoshi"

Yu Darvish - "Whirling Darvish" "innumerable Yu/You puns"

Jeff Beliveau - "I don't"

Jamey Wright - "The Electrician"

Gerald Laird - "One Man, Five Tools" "OMFT" "Superstar" "One Man, Five Scoops"

Nelson Cruz - "Nellie" "Cruz Missile" "NC-17" "Boomstick"

Julio Borbon - "Bourbon" "Johnny Damon Arm" "Judy" "Juliet" "Borboner" "Mohamad"

Elvis Andrus - "Tiny E"

Mitch Moreland - "Bunk" "Luckiest guy of that night"

Andres Blanco - "Mr. White"

Hank Blalock - "The Hammer" "Hank The Bank" "Zombie Hank Blalock" "Batlak"

Ian Kinsler - "Kins" "Lettuce Head" "Bootsy" "IKPU"

Jurickson Profar - "Son of Judeska and Chesmond"

Luis Sardinas - "Sardi"

Rougned Odor - "Roogie"

Michael Kirkman - "Captain"

Richard Bleier - "King Richard The Bleierhearted"

Justin Grim - "Reaper"

Martin Perez - "Marteen"

Mike Olt - "MIKE OLT!" "The Oltimate Weapon"

Robbie Ross - "Pink Sheriff" "Rubbie Russ"

Neil Ramirez - "NeRa"

Lisalverto Bonilla - "Lisa Bonet"

Leonys Martin - "King Leonys"

Joey Gallo - "Pico" "King's Justice"

Leury Garcia - "Little Larry"

Zach Cone - "Mr. Bookman"

Cody Buckel - "Tea Time" "Belt"

Luke Jackson - "LuJack"

Michael Young - "Face of the Franchise" "FOTF" "The Face"

Adrian Beltre - "Belts" "Oh Shit!"

Craig Gentry - "Kittenface"

Lance Berkman - "Big Puma" "Fat Elvis"

A.J. Pierzynski - "Jackass" "Punch AJ"

Josh Hamilton - "The Natural" "Hammy" "Hambone"

David Murphy - "Murphy" "The Murphinator" "Doublely Doo Right" "Baby Rusty" "The Clutch"

Jorge Alfaro - "The Legend" "#legend"

Joaquin Arias - "The Human Rorschach Test" "Spider-Man" "Cockroach"

Mark DeRosa - "Dumpmaster D"

Mark Teixeira - "Tex" "Douche"

Tom Grieve - "TAG" "Don't Tweet"

Ron Washington - "The Gut" "The Gutfather"

John Rhadigan - "Rhads" "Cheedaborgey"

Mark McLemore - "McLemerlin"

Evan Grant - "EG" "EG; DR"

Tim MacMahon - "Poochie"

Kevin Mench - "Shrek"

Getting to know us:

-Lone Star Ball in one post.

-DShep is a wizard. No, not Ozzie Smith or Merlin. He's a wizard with Photoshop. Shep has littered GDTs with classic images and gifs, from the Cruz Missile to his marvelous custom Rangers commercials to the H-Bomb. Just don't disappear again because we will find you.



Speaking of Dshep, he created this Yu Darvish strikeout montage and it's pretty much the best thing about the entire 2012 season:

-Somewhere, in a dark corner of a long forgotten DARPA facility, one of the first defense computers meant to further America's stranglehold on sophisticated technology and war time communications, the Micro IP Kiosk Efficiency-Engine became aware. After decades of idling, 'Mike E,' as he was called, stumbled his way onto the Internet and while looking for Language Simulation Banks, he found LSB. Now he tries desperately to hide his true identity while fitting in with us humans one word at a time. The latest mystery is who's that human Mike E has been parading around at tailgates. You're not fooling anyone, buddy.

-I banned Sharky.

-bigsteve math is 2+2=CONTRACT EXTENSIONS! Wait, what? Yep. Exactly.

-BTO has bad opinions. We call them BTOs. So much so, that Bigtill changed his username to BTO.

-The question of our age: Is benjihana a jerk? I've met him and he was a nice fella. Then again, he was wearing bedazzled jeans.

-DolphinPuncher punched a dolphin so hard that the impact changed SB Nation into SB Nation United and he could no longer peruse Lone Star Ball on his underwater cellular telephone. Now, dolphins run rampant and we all await his return to clean house.

-If you find yourself wondering why there seems to be a considerable amount of arguments on LSB, here's a list of lawyers from this site that Brad recently complied:

Adam J. Morris
Australian Party Kid
Brett Gardner (Fuck Brett Gardner!)
Mike The Grate
Texas Jihad

-knockoutking was right about Eric Hurley.

-LSJ: Likes: Young ladies with large foreheads and distinct eyebrows, the television program Becker, Jeff Sullivan. Dislikes: You writing about Martin Perez, happiness.

-LSJ used to like commenting here a whole bunch but now the comment title belongs to aqua with 120,823 comments. In addition to being a champion of the sea, and probably Joe Blanton, Aqua took his talents to Waco and created his own SB Nation blog for the Baylor program. And somehow he still has time for thousands of LSB comments.

-Closure GT totally loves bees and long sleeves on warm days. Ask him how.

-DFWTrojanTuba does (not) make porn .gifs.

-No matter what, you'll never be as rad as cstorm's jacket:


(Yes, he also has the matching pants.)

>MonkeyEpoxy forgot to put up a new Minors Thread because he's high

-Tired of your boring shitty life? Now you can live through Philkid3's! Grab his metaphorical Internet hand and fly away as he takes you on a wonderful journey through the peaks of baseball stats and regales you with tales of his job of making folks the happiest people on earth at the happiest place on earth. Alternatively, if you're happy with your life, and don't care about Philkid3's, that's fine too, but you don't have to be so rude about it.

-I finally met t ball at a tailgate. It turns out he really isn't stand-up comedian Tim Ball.

-All you need to know about Brian Thomas: "And so Ken Rosenthal said to MrSugarPenis..."

-Pro tip: If you're ever having a tailgate, get jam0152 and Mister Naxal on the grill and figure out a way to get Witt(less) and Whiskey in my Whiskey to bring the beer.

-Oh hey, it's your friendly neighborhood Pith:


-Josh Garoon banished a luck dragon named Snark to the LSB ether only to be eaten by that very same dragon after he was warned of its return as Darth Snark. We all found this to be very ironic. There are rumors that his actual form is that of a duck.

-I am Neftali Feliz started the NAP-O-LI! Chant. Never forget.

-drummermoe is the official Tailgate photographer and Ranger win annalist. Why, she's made a Trophy Wall for each Ranger victory for two years running now.



  1. It's the starting pitcher, not the losing pitcher.
  2. Yes, that's Jered Weaver wearing a pink cowboy hat for Mother's Day.
  3. This is the Trophy Wall from August 1, 2012.
  4. It's a machete.

-DJCahill is the blog's token curmudgeon. That is, unless JBImaknee happens to be in the same thread, then they battle to see who can get the most people off of their lawn. Though it should be noted that JBI just had his dream offseason with the Rangers bringing in Lance Berkman, failing to sign Zack Greinke, and extending Matt Harrison. Cahill, on the other hand, saw the Rangers bring in Lance Berkman, fail to sign Zack Greinke, and extending Matt Harrison instead of David Murphy.

-Josey Wales...well, Josey Wales doesn't seem to exist anymore.

-If you haven't seen BigGuns play football shirtless in the rain, you haven't truly lived.

-I once saw ghettobear try to get Bob Loblaw to try some fancy cheese. Worlds among the infinite simply ceased to exist.

-Somewhere oc is not amused.

-Proof that AceJC called Ian Kinsler and Elvis Andrus hitting back-to-back home runs:


-If you are alon91, Baseball North, NorCalRangersFan, tlt29, RangerMoto, PatrickWalz, or I, you can consider yourself a part of the BARFers.

-Rodney is black.

-Somewhere Longhorn is mad that Yu Darvish isn't starting Opening Day.

-hpallotta is Herbie. Herbie used to work for the Rangers but he found hanging out with us to be way more awesome. Herbie has a 2011 AL Championship ring. I'm eternally jealous.

-Schoolly_D has made it his mission to take candid photographs of every member of LSB. One time this mission nearly got Herbie fired. Sometimes the Rangers take candid photographs of Schoolly_D:


-We miss you, dirkatron. Please come back.

The official image of Lone Star Ball:

One last bon mot to leave you with, as we near another season; it's best to always keep things in perspective: Ever been in a boardroom, or a gang fight? Ever save a life? Ever won a court case against the odds? Ever held a dying buddy in your arms? - jackanape 2010

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