Hey, Marlins... your home run statue is stupid.
Anthony Andro says that the Rangers gave the Marlins the win last night, but it was probably actually cruel fate.
Jeff Wilson flips open the Star Telegram's dusty volume of Urban Dictionary and uses the young person's abbreviation "smh," appropriately as shocking as that may sound, to describe last night's game. Next thing you know he'll be spitting mad hashtags on the Twitter machine.
Mitch Moreland asked for a second opinion on his ankle, as the season continues to retrace the themes of Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God by noted Colonial firebreather and A's fan Jonathan Edwards.
T.R. Sullivan notes that last night's defense was as sloppy as the A Million Ways to Die in the West script.
Sullivan's notebook tells us that Brad Snyder has watched a few YouTube videos to prepare for playing first base for the first time since college, and he thinks he "has the gist of it." Also, Mitch Moreland will be looking for answers to the question of his ankle, likely turning to the ancient philosophical study of theodicy. Spoiler alert, Mitch: God is either as indifferent to your suffering as the mighty river is to the smallest pebble, or else He is Billy Beane.
Just what we've all been waiting for... a column about the Rangers that's really about the Cowboys. Hey, Cowlishaw, at least the Rangers have been relevant this century.
Unlike AJM, Evan Grant can create a ranking of historical Rangers that doesn't get overtaken by more recent events. Hell, AJM's Top 50 Rangers has not just been overtaken by events, it has been lapped repeatedly. Anyway, Evan has the top ten Ranger draft picks of all time.
Evan allows that Brad Snyder is making a conscious effort to hit more homers, and bully for him because if he has any success he'll probably get a hemorrhagic fever of some sort.
Prospect love is the last refuge of scoundrels and fans of .500 teams. Evan has some details on the Rangers going above slot on their second, third and fourth round picks.
Turn your gaze to Joey Gallo, ladies and gents, or look upon this team and despair.
Richard Durrett looks at the leadoff spot, one of the panoply of weak spots on the 2014 Rangers.
Durrett also reacted rapidly to last night's game, and endeavored to catalog all of the bad things in last night's lost but ran out of synonyms for failure.
Finally, because Orange is the New Black is back for season two and because it reminds of a time that's been much on my mind lately, here's Regina Spektor conjuring up her ideal man and then throwing paint all over him.