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Jake Smolinski, will you be the gritty white hustler this fanbase so sorely needs?

Ed Szczepanski-USA TODAY Sports

I was all excited to read this Jeff Wilson article about how the Rangers were still having fun in a lost season.  I was totally prepared to revel in the quotes from Daniel Robertson about how playing for a terrible major league team is still better than attempting to upsell the premium laser printer paper at Staples.  But the ST's stupid paywall kicked me in the teeth once again.  So instead, I offer a visual metaphor.  Here is a video I made about a canine agility competition I attended last weekend.  From that video, here is a finely trained, naturally talented canine athlete making the sport look easy.  Here are two dogs in over their heads that look like they stumbled in off the street and will soon be beating a hasty retreat if they can somehow locate the exit.  The difference between those two dogs and the Rangers is that I don't have 30+ years of emotional investment in the dogs and also they make incompetence or inexperience look cute and charming instead of just depressing.

You know what else is depressing?  How excited I am about Jake Smolinski's triumphant return.  Take that, cruel injury deity!  What?!  No, no, no... I take it back, please don't hurt Jake Smolinski again!

Adrian Beltre is the Rangers' nominee for this year's Roberto Clemente award on the strength of his financial contributions to the Texas Rangers Baseball Foundation and also on the strength of the fact that most of the Rangers' other potential nominees were concentrating on raising funds for Drs. Keith Meister and Drew Dossett.

Shin-Soo Choo will be having surgery on his ankle to remove some cartilage.  He will also be having prophylactic screws and plates put in all of his other major bones and joints and, in a first for an MLB player, will have multiple backup ACL's and UCL's transplanted for the purposes redundancy and curse prevention.  Because 2014: never forget, people.

The Rangers have promoted minor league coach Brian Dayett to the big club's coaching staff to fill the vacancy created by Tim Bogar's field promotion to Colonel.  Dayett has Parkinson's and will be covered by the MLB health insurance through the start of next season, which is a nice thing for the team to do.  The Yankees would probably have used his blood to fuel a ritual to summon forth Alex Rodriguez's gynecomastia from the inky depths, so at least we root for a not-evil team even though they suck.

Calvin Watkins discusses the decision for Choo to play through his ankle injury and wasn't that pretty stupid and pointless and enragening?

That Levine has withdrawn from consideration for the Arizona GM position probably due to some sort of insane Machiavellian conspiracy involving Jon Daniels and a soap opera plot about an evil twin of Nolan Ryan and a scheme to extort Jackie Moore.  No, wait... I'm sorry, I've been experiencing intermittent Galloway possession.  The symptoms are crazytalk and intense, uncontrollable Luby's hankerings.  Thad Levine actually withdrew himself from consideration because Arizona is an awful wasteland of geriatrics that looks like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon.

Evan Grant discusses Thad Levine staying in Texas, quoting Jon Daniels as saying that Levine has a valued position here in Texas and that Thad knows that, or at least he will know that if he forces Daniels to follow him to Arizona and burn their stadium down.

Evan also tells us that Adrian Beltre secured the Rangers' nomination for the Roberto Clemente award by being the only candidate who was both someone you have heard of and would not require wheelchair ramp access.

Grant notes that Shin-Soo Choo's second surgery in less than a month has completely depleted the U.S. strategic adamantium reserve.

Michael Choice has been officially shut down for the season, which is surprising because I was unaware that a player could accrue Choice's 2014 statistics without being shut down five months ago and having his name erroneously and repeatedly left on the lineup card anyway.

Myrtle Beach, ashamed at the storied post-season futility of the Rangers, have switched their allegiance to the Chicago Cubs.

Finally, some scientists are saying that schizophrenia appears to be caused by a constellation of gene combinations that result in eight specific classes of schizophrenia, some of which can predict the manifestation of schizophrenia with certainty rates nearing 100%.  And here is a Cracked article by a woman with schizophrenia.