So there's a possibly apocryphal story about Bertrand Russell. He was giving a speech about cosmology when a lady in the crowd said all of his theories were wrong... the world was borne upon a doctor's opinion of Yu Darvish's elbow. "Ah, but what does that rest upon?" She had an answer, though: "It's second opinions all the way down!"
Well, right after Evan wrote the above story it came down that the magic number of opinions before it was decided to tinker inside Darvish's hinges was, in fact, two.
Derek Holland is out of consideration for the Opening Day start, as his shoulder issues have delayed his conditioning. Someone search Detweiler's locker for a voodoo doll.
Whoever had Tanner Scheppers, Yu Darvish and Derek Holland in the Spring Injury Scramble has won a trophy for their boundless cynicism and a coupon for a free burger and Frosty at Wendy's.
Those of you that hate Russell Wilson talk can delight in the fact that this spring we also have Will Ferrell talk, such as speculation that it might lead to yet another infinite regression problem as Derek Holland imitates Ferrell imitating Harry Caray, Ferrell imitates Holland imitating Ferrell, and so on until the universe ends in a thankful heat death of futility.
Grant recaps yesterday's 4-4 tie.
He also tells us the story of the ghost of ligaments future appearing to Darvish, rattling spectral chains, and whispering: "Jurickson Profar."
Yovani Gallardo was pleased with his B game start, noting that he made it out unscathed by any freak injuries, acts of god, or fulminating illnesses. "I was particularly worried about disseminating intravascular coagulopathy," he told reporters, which is also known as DIC or "death is coming." "I really dodged a bullet there," he said, "thanks Ian, I mean, Mr. Kinsler."
Jeff Banister is not going to rush a timetable for Derek Holland's official start to the season. "Not much (redacted) point, is there," he said in an impromptu pub press conference. "I mean, yeah, we rush him back and then he's devoured by a rampaging horde of goblins or something." He was overheard to mutter in to his drink that if they take their time maybe the goblins will eat Mitch Moreland, instead.
Banister also had some nice things to say about Elvis Andrus' defense.
And finally, thanks to my neverending obsession with parasites that control their hosts minds here is a parasitic wasp that uses an RNA virus to control its host even after it has left the host body. Because nature is a horrible awful thing everybody!