Because Josh Hamilton going a few weeks without an injury would be something on the order of finding a lamb with seven horns and seven eyes buying garlic fries in the concourse, he's being taken offline for his monthly rebuild. Don't be surprised in the coming weeks if there is a dearth of the more able bodied metroplex homeless and Josh Hamilton comes back to the plate with an uncharacteristic hankering for campfire beans in the can.
The Rangers may have the most inexperienced bullpen in the American League, but that's only because according to the rules you have to record outs to log innings.
Chi Chi Gonzalez gets the start today because Cole Hamels has a groin injury he sustained by stupidly getting traded to the only Major League team with a full time dehabilitation staff.
Gerry Fraley, never one to shine a ray of cheery sunshine on anything, would like you to know how terrible the Rangers are at holding on to a lead.
This is why we can never have anything nice.
You know what would probably fix Josh Hamilton's legs? Some sort of essential oil flim-flammery, says every woman I know, only they say it in a really distracted manner because of their frantic Pinteresting. Maybe they say it while half-heartedly watching a Criminal Minds rerun and waiting for a Shamar Moore scene. It depends on the girl, really.
If you want to relive the bloodbath, Betsy Helfand and T.R. Sullivan have you covered.
Finally, if I've seemed distracted lately and you feel like you haven't been getting the full benefit of my sterling wit, it's only for the best of reasons. I run an animal shelter and I'm there like 14 hours a day and I also have writing jobs that I'm supposed to do (like right now I'm supposed to be writing some stuff for a Congressman's website and not making apocalyptic Biblical references about baseball).
However, you can come berate me in person for not doing enough bits in the morning links, or for doing too many bits in the morning links (according to your preference, of course). I have a little adoption event / fundraiser coming up at Tim Love's Woodshed Smokehouse. You can even stand up while I'm talking and scream "This is worse than the morning links! This is, in fact, worse than CANCER!" If you do that I just ask that you make a small insult donation.
Our animals pretty much exclusively come from municipal shelter e-lists, so we do a lot of medical rehab like Happy,the dog whose theme song is The Beastie Boys' Body Movin') and I try to do things a little differently than other shelters (like going on little field trips and making little videos about them that get a gazillion views and then get incorrectly reported by Yahoo! New Zealand). Come on out so I don't end up with me, my volunteers, and some shelter dogs all staring awkwardly at each other. Heck, make a zombie Blalock reference or ask me if I got dropped off at the restaurant or I had to walk from the parking spot and I may even buy you dinner. Probably not, because animal rescue doesn't pay well, but it doesn't hurt to try, anyway.