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It's the year 2017 and Trevor Cahill one-hit the Rangers.
Trevor Cahill also had one hit.
Jonathan Lucroy is making Einar Diaz look like Pudge Rodriguez.
I see Mike Napoli swing and miss when I close my eyes, his chant is now boos.
I haven't seen Adrian Beltre in weeks.
Jered Weaver looms tomorrow, his 79 MPH fastball geared up to strikeout a dozen Rangers.
These chucklefucks even broke Alex Claudio.
Austin Bibens-Dirkx no longer wants to be known as a big leaguer if this is what it's like.
This is everything I've never wanted but probably deserved.
Player of the Game: Shin-Soo Choo hit a home run.
Up Next: Jered Weaver is going to throw a shutout against the Rangers and A.J. Griffin but I'll be watching old episodes of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego on YouTube instead. I think it's an early game. It's 2:40 pm CT. I looked it up. I care about you.